This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
Situation Report
Latest dispatches
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Base flags at half staff for ‘erectile dysfunction awareness day’
JOINT BASE ANDREWS, Md.—In honor of Erectile Dysfunction Awareness Day, Joint Base Andrews commander Col. Richard Weinerstein has ordered all flags flown at half-staff. “Many of our airmen
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Thousands of officers with bronze stars terrified after Trump rescinds four bullshit awards
WASHINGTON — Officers across the military who have been awarded Bronze Stars say they are terrified for the future after learning that President Donald Trump had on Wednesday rescinded four bullshit
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Car totaled after striking Marine wearing reflective belt
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif.—The moment that installation commanders have been claiming would happen has finally taken place: A Marine wearing a reflective belt has been hit by a car. The
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Millennial Taliban too soft for jihad, mullahs complain
KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — As more and more young Afghans turn to television and social media, the Taliban's leaders are worried its youth are no longer ready for the fight
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USAF changes name to ‘US as F*ck’
WASHINGTON — After 71 years, the U.S. Air Force is changing its name, the U.S. As Fuck (USAF) announced today. The world’s premier air and space force decided
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Opinion: I would’ve joined the military too if I didn’t think it was beneath me
I heard you talking earlier about how you were in the military. First, thank you for your service. That’s awesome and I want to let you know, I appreciate
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Liaison officer fired for intentionally working a full duty day
STUTTGART, Germany—Military liaison officers throughout Europe are anxiously watching developments after Major Marco Lopez, U.S. Army Europe (USAREUR) liaison to Headquarters, U.S. European Command (HQ USEUCOM), was
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Trump nominates guy Fieri as chairman of joint chefs
FLAVORTOWN — President Donald Trump officially nominated Guy Fieri to fill the new post of Chairman of the Joint Chefs, the White house reported today. "I was speaking with my
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Upgraded harpoon missiles will scream 'DJ Khaled' just before impact
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon approved $157 million in modernization costs to make the aging RGM-84 Harpoon missile system yell "DJ Khaled!" before impacting its target, sources report. In
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Salty kindergartener keeps calling recess “deploying to the sandbox”
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Billy, 6, is an old soul with the wherewithal to call it like he sees it. Recently, he has taken to calling recess his "deployments
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US negotiator charlie Brown says Taliban promises not to yank football away again
DOHA, Qatar — U.S. representatives in continuing talks with the Taliban are confident of finally achieving the illusion of victory in Afghanistan, sources say. Top American negotiator Charles “Charlie” Brown
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LEGO commemorates war in Afghanistan with ‘unlimited edition’ set
ENFIELD, Conn. — The LEGO Group has announced a new unlimited edition LEGO set to be released later this year commemorating the conflict in Afghanistan, also known as The Forever War.
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Maj. Tulsi Gabbard receives surprise deployment orders to Antarctica
HONOLULU, Hawaii — Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) was surprised with deployment orders to Antarctica earlier today, her presidential campaign confirmed. The Democratic presidential candidate has been a unique critical voice
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VA now only second most ineffective suicide prevention program
NEW YORK — The Department of Veterans Affairs breathed a collective sigh of relief after the Metropolitan Correctional Center in New York was named the absolute worst suicide prevention program in
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PSYOPS officer reprimanded for providing realistic capability briefing
KABUL, Afghanistan – Onlookers were stunned today when Capt. Chad McCarthy, an officer with 4th Psychological Operations Group, provided a realistic capability brief to the task force command and staff to
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ISIS switches to prius over environmental concerns with aging Hilux fleet
RAQQA, Syria — The Islamic State (ISIS) has announced it will be retiring it aging fleet of Toyota Hilux "Technicals," which have carried Jihad across the middle east for
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Army captains to complete ‘ice bucket challenge’ at career course
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The Taliban don't have video games. So why are they so violent, US wonders
KABUL – US Gen. Scott Miller, Commander of the international coalition in Afghanistan, expressed confusion in the wake of the latest bombing in Farah province, which destroyed a bus and killed
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New Army chief of staff introduces #TryWinning campaign
WASHINGTON — In his first week as Army Chief of Staff, General James C. McConville emailed a letter to the force outlining his humble suggestion that the army #TryWinning sometime, just
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Lindsey Graham volunteers to remain behind in Afghanistan and fight Taliban if troops withdraw
GREENVILLE, S.C. –Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) released a video statement on YouTube today in which he assured voters he would stay in Afghanistan and fight the Taliban
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Sgt. Maj. Of the Army tells chief of staff he’ll never make it on the outside
THE PENTAGON -- Command Sgt. Maj. Michael A. Grinston, the 16th Sgt. Maj. of the Army, told Army Chief of Staff James C. McConville that he’ll “never make it on
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Islamic state joins UN human rights council
SOMEWHERE IN SYRIA -- The Islamic State will soon be appointed to head the United Nations subcommittee tasked with abolishing slavery worldwide, according to several people familiar with the matter. An
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This air assault soldier never skips leg day
FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. – Specialist Kenny Zweitbester, an infantryman assigned to 3rd Brigade, 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault), has not skipped leg day since he arrived at the unit nearly two
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Major awarded Bronze Star for ‘uncommon valor during wargame’
JOINT BASE LANGLEY-EUSTIS, Va. – Gen. John “Mike” Murray pinned the Bronze Star Medal with “snake eyes” device on Major Dennis Klinefelter today for conspicuous gallantry in the face of
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Dirtbag colonel forgets to make coffee, vacuum floor again
THE PENTAGON — Some shitbag colonel working at the Pentagon forgot to make coffee and vacuum the floor before leaving work yesterday, sources have confirmed. Marking yet another fuck-up since
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