This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
Situation Report
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Page 43 of 178
Ousted Navy secretary modly vows to find out who stole frozen strawberries
THE PACIFIC — Ousted Navy Secretary Thomas Modly said Wednesday that he would continue to investigate the theft of one quart of frozen strawberries aboard the USS Theodore Roosevelt, sources confirmed
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Stolen valor association approves stealing medical valor
NEW YORK CITY—The National Stolen Valor Association voted unanimously that in response to the COVID-19 pandemic, they would extend membership to individuals imitating doctors, nurses, EMTs and other
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Mullets are back as Navy relaxes grooming standard
WASHINGTON — To limit the spread of COVID-19, the Navy has announced the temporary loosening of its notoriously strict grooming standards. “We’re still going to make everyone go to
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Pentagon worries Capt. Crozier’s concern for his sailors may be contagious
PENTAGON – Pentagon officials have expressed concern in recent days that the former commander of the USS Theodore Roosevelt may have infected other commanders with a desire to place the well-
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Teleworking? Here are four Chinese websites sure to improve your connections
BEIJING – President Xi Jinping announced today that China is opening free web services to aid U.S. service members working at home due to novel Coronavirus restrictions. Xi said, “China
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Marine dies after 8 days without haircut
THE PENTAGON – An unnamed Marine died yesterday after a prolonged battle with unchecked hair growth, Pentagon officials announced today. The deceased had also been identified as being positively infected with
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Marines must innovate to defeat new threats vs. F*ck social distancing, you’re getting a haircut
General David H. Berger, Commandant of the Marine Corps We stands at an inflection point in history. We need innovative thinking to deter 21st Century threats, namely ChinaChina is embarking
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This pilot has 20/20 vision, but can he see why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?
NAS FALLON, Nev. — Navy fighter pilot, Lt. Lance “Ox” Mandrake, graduated first in his classes at the Naval Academy, Flight School, and TOPGUN. But his records indicate that, despite his
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Veteran outraged by reserved health care parking at strip mall
OTTUMWA, Iowa — Local veterans’ rights advocate Dustin Boates was “pretty peeved” this morning to find changes to preferential parking at the strip mall on US Route 34. Spaces previously reserved
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CDC: Obnoxious airborne COVID-19 mocks “leg” viruses
ATLANTA, Ga – The U.S. Centers for Disease Control announced today that Army medical researchers have uncovered an intriguing characteristic of COVID-19: not only is the virus “airborne,” it’
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Influx of barracks tiger cubs as stimulus checks arrive
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — Wooooooweeee! The barracks is starting to look like that bitch Carole Baskin’s house. We got five live tigers up in this place, ya’all. And it’
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Meet the WWI veteran who started ‘trench warfare coffee company’
Editor’s note: The following article originally appeared in the September 1918 Duffel Blog. The author die weeks later of the 1918 influenza pandemic. ALBANY, N.Y. — Army Sergeant James
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Coronavirus cancels billions of man-hours of pointless military bullshit
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Mark Esper confirmed that the Pentagon stands to lose billions of man-hours in pointless bullshit as military facilities worldwide continue telework and lockdown due to
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General funk announces 20 new fundamentals in response to Coronavirus
THE PENTAGON — Gen. Paul E. Funk II has heard the cries of a starving nation. What world could be content with only 40 Funk Fundamentals? Not this one. The new
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New program helps retiring colonels decide which Civil War battle to study
FORT BELVOIR, Va. – A new transition assistance initiative unveiled this week will help retiring colonels decide which Civil War battle they should study to ease the sting of being passed
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West pointer keeps telling everyone quartermaster was his first choice
FORT STEWART, Ga. — Since his arrival to the unit, 2nd Lt. Joseph Lynn hasn't let a single day pass without an unsolicited announcement that his top branch assignment
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Lieutenant Colonel actually Major asshole
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Navy reduces sailor obesity with ‘slow-feeder’ galley trays
SAN DIEGO, Calif. — The fattest service nine years running, the Navy is seeking a solution to the obesity epidemic sweeping our nation’s military. The service has made it clear,
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Teleworking warrant officer unsure where to disappear to
FORT HOOD, Texas – In what friends and family are calling an existential crisis, Chief Warrant Officer 3 Chris Vance has been unsure where to disappear to since being ordered to
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Raytheon not exactly sure what $400 million contract from USAF is supposed to be used for
TUCSON, Ariz. – The U.S. Air Force announced this week that it had awarded a $400 million contract to the Raytheon Missiles & Defense technology company, which reportedly surprised company
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Kim Jung un in critical condition, Kim Jong Deux in line for the top job
PYONGYANG – Multiple intelligence sources announced Monday evening that Kim Jong Un, long time supreme leader of North Korea, is in critical condition while recovering from heart surgery. While sources vary
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North Korea reports first obesity related death in more than 70 years
PYONGYANG — While definitive information regarding the health of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un is notably absent, the secretive nation reported its first obesity related death in more than 70
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Generals who failed to defeat Taliban explain how to kill a virus
WASHINGTON — Numerous general officers who contributed to America's slow-motion failure in Afghanistan would like you to take their advice on how to defeat the coronavirus pandemic, sources
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DOD vows to double number of slides in annual sexual assault prevention training
THE PENTAGRAM — In the wake of a recently released report showing a three percent increase in reported sexual assaults across the military last year, the Pentagon issued a statement vowing
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‘The carrier is vulnerable and obsolete’ according to 100 years worth of military journals
ANNAPOLIS, Md. – Defense Tropes Quarterly announced the publication of yet another article claiming the aircraft carrier is vulnerable, obsolete, and prohibitively expensive. The piece is the latest in a long
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