NEWPORT, R.I. – The girlfriend of a Coast Guardsman called it quits today after sustaining a relationship for nearly two consecutive five-day deployments. Petty Officer 1st Class Raynor Martin received a text message letting him know it was over.
“I heard people talk about it before, but I never thought it would happen to me,” said Martin, sighing. “A pile of poop, a purple eggplant, and a broken heart.”
This set of emojis has become known as the “aubergine kiss of death,” and is on the rise among emotionally-underdeveloped millennials looking to cut ties without personal interaction.
“The first deployment was the toughest,” said Ashlee, Martin’s ex-girlfriend. “Sometimes, he would go three hours without opening my Snapchats. He’s under so much stress and has so much responsibility in his job. I didn't want to be a burden to him anymore.”
