Duffel Blog Staff

Retiring general starts mail-order anthrax delivery service

ABERDEEN PROVING GROUND, Md. — Brigadier General William E. King, commander of the 20th Chemical, Biological, Radiological, Nuclear and Something Beginning With E (CBRNE) Command, is retiring in July after a

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Adjutant drops shit on XO’s desk

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — The battalion adjutant dropped shit on the desk of the executive officer late early this morning, sources confirmed. Though the XO is used to having a

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Arizona state ROTC wins best rager competition

TEMPE, Ariz. – A team from Arizona State University has secured top honors in the U.S. Army’s competitive Best Rager Competition, the military’s highest honor for raging ass

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Mattis clears head during evening stroll, 8 killed

WASHINGTON — The Metropolitan Police Special Tactics Branch was activated Saturday night after a fatigued Secretary of Defense James Mattis took eight lives during a casual walk through the downtown area.

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

VA operator still waiting on hold with Comcast

WASHINGTON — Department of Veterans Affairs Phone Outreach Assistance Specialist Janice Edlers has been on hold with Comcast since 10 a.m., sources report. “This is not just incredibly frustrating, it’

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Eazy-E gives your weekend safety brief

Eazy is my name and you best not be…. Straight outta condoms… Y'all are brothers from another mutha And make believe the bitches all love ya

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

VA to shorten hold times by hanging up on callers automatically

WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs plans to tackle the problem of long call wait times by automatically disconnecting calls that keep a veteran on hold for 30 minutes, sources

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Coast Guard intercepts millennial migrant vessel trying to flee to Cuba

MIAMI — A month after a report regarding the Coast Guard seeing a decrease in Cuban migration, a U.S. Coast Guard crew and surrounded a group of American millennial migrants

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

'Sorry aboot that, eh' — Canadian sniper apologizes after record-breaking kill shot

OTTAWA — A Canadian sniper apologized today after he was confirmed to have scored the longest lethal shot on record, according to sources. The sniper, whose identity is being withheld for

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Joint force diagnosed with arthritis

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — After more than a decade tromping through the deserts and mountains of Afghanistan, the Joint Force has been diagnosed with arthritis, according to a publicly-released medical examination.

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Air Force says F-35 pilots may be too reliant on oxygen while flying

WASHINGTON — After weeks of testing and analysis, Lockheed engineers have been unable to determine the reason why some F-35 pilots have experienced hypoxia-like symptoms during flight, though some

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Troops 'asking for a friend' to be charged with conspiracy, Pentagon says

THE PENTAGON — U.S. service members can now be charged under Article 81 (Conspiracy) of the uniformed code of military justice for asking questions "for a friend," sources

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Veterans who say they 'miss the war' remind neighbors to not use fireworks

TRACY, Calif. — A pair of military heroes are leading the effort to stop their neighbors from lighting fireworks, sources say. "You know, we went over there and did awesome

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Professional veteran celebrates Independence Day by making holiday all about himself

MODESTO, Calif. — Following up on his success in correcting the narrative of federal holidays such as Thanksgiving and Martin Luther King, Jr. Day to include recognition of America's

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

US Army considering longer dwell time for soldiers stationed at fort Afghanistan

FORT AFGHANISTAN — The U.S. Army is considering a longer dwell time for soldiers stationed at its base in eastern Afghanistan, sources confirmed today. According to officials, the move would

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Base long term parking office secures deployed troops' SSN, other info with locked door

NORFOLK, Va. — Naval Station Norfolk's long term parking is taking a number of steps to secure your full social security number and other personal information while you'

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Grass bent slightly to the left, soldier in prone reports

FORT BENNING, Ga. – Pvt. Matt Davis, an infantryman providing 360 security, reports that the majority of grass in grid square FT1242784962, firing sector 2a, is bending slightly to the left.

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Marine task force to offer free breast exams to female service members

PENTAGON – A new Marine Corps task force has arisen in the wake of recent Tricare cuts that deny coverage of critical medical care to female service members. Task Force TITTI,

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Army promotion boards for majors to consider 'face punchability'

Fort Knox, KY — Army Human Resources Command (HRC) confirmed today that officers will now be rated on the punchability of their face in upcoming promotion boards. “We've been

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

We got drunk with Jim Mattis. Here’s what he told us.

Dick Scuttlebutt is Duffel Blog’s Roving Mattis Correspondent. He has degrees in Mattisology, Mattisonomy, and Chaos Theory from East Dickhole State University. Go Manticores! Duffel Blog recently sat down

Oct 5, 2022 3 min read paid

Marine 1st Sergeant admits to walking on the grass when no one is looking

MARINE CORPS BASE QUANTICO, Va. – During his recent reenlistment ceremony, 1st Sgt. Mike Greenwell made the shocking announcement that he walks on the grass on base, sources confirmed today. “Thank

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

National guardsman to get DA photo taken when he loses 10 pounds, finds jacket

OMAHA, Neb. — Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jason Hitchcock plans to update his official Department of the Army photo as soon as he loses 10 pounds, members of the 134th

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Beyoncé gives your weekend safety brief

All the single soldiers (All the single soldiers) All the single soldiers (All the single soldiers) All the single soldiers (All the single soldiers) All the single soldiers Now put

Oct 5, 2022 3 min read paid

General walks length of headquarters hallway without once being asked a question

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Gen. Lori J. Robinson, commander of the North American Aerospace Defense Command and U.S. Northern Command (NORTHCOM), was disappointed yesterday when she walked the length of

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

EMPOWERED: Meet the female suicide bomber who shattered a glass ceiling in Mosul

The following is an Op-Ed by the editors of Jezebel.com Listen up, femme fatales! A new demographic of war fighters has exploded onto the scene in Mosul and

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

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