NELLIS AFB, NV – Airmen in the 57th Wing at Nellis Air Force Base learned a valuable lesson this week when Chief Master Sergeant Tate Watson, the wing command chief, convened an emergency enlisted All Call to address the recent rash of suicides that have rocked the wing.

“I’m just going to say it straight up,” the Chief began to the packed base auditorium, “Stop accidentally hanging yourselves while jerking off.”

The Chief’s blunt statement came on the heels of three strikingly similar suicides within the last four months, in which each victim, all young male Airmen, had apparently stripped naked and hung themselves in their dorm rooms. Each suicide had been followed by a flurry of mandatory suicide awareness training for the entire wing, but after the third suicide the Chief decided that brutal honesty about the real cause of deaths was the only way to stop the epidemic.

“I know you’ve all heard that oxygen deprivation can enhance sexual arousal while masturbating, but it’s not worth the risks. If you feel differently, ask those three dead Airmen if they’d rather have the best single-handed sex of their lives, or their actual lives back," said Watson. "Or ask David Carradine and that guy from INXS!”