Duffel Blog Staff

Supreme Court torches appeal in giant, toxic burn pit on front steps

Washington — In a stern rebuke to 60 veterans’ lawsuits, all eight fuctioning Supreme Court justices dismissed “burn pit” appeals by torching them in a massive blaze on the front steps

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Woman who sent 65,000 text messages after one date tapped for recruiting duty

PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. -- A woman who allegedly sent one man 500 text messages a day over a four-month period has been selected to screen the next generation of warfighters,

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Entire military granted shaving profile following Gillette commercial

WASHINGTON — The entire military was granted an emergency shaving profile days after Gillette released a new ad campaign inspired by the #MeToo movement, sources confirmed today. The two-minute ad

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Captain Li Shang relieved of command for toxic masculinity

CHANGCHUN, China — The Chinese Army relieved a decorated army officer and son of legendary Gen. Li of his command position after details were leaked that the promising young officer had

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Troops in Afghanistan heartbroken after speaker Pelosi’s visit cancelled

BAGRAM AIR BASE, Afghanistan — Service members currently deployed to Afghanistan were devastated when they learned that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her entourage of congressmen had cancelled their

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Absence of assassin from future confuses ambitious company commander

Fort Bragg, N.C. — A company commander is expressing shock and dismay that after six years in the Army a future assassin has yet to travel back in time and

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Unit’s position given away by first sergeant's knees

FORT IRWIN, Calif. – Eight soldiers were notionally killed during a tactical exercise when their first sergeant gave their position away by trying to stand up from the prone position, sources

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Point/counterpoint: If Colin Powell were alive today, he’d be 82 years old! Vs. I’m Colin Powell, and I’m not dead

The following is a Point/Counterpoint concerning the enduring reputation of retired Army General and former Secretary of State, Colin Powell. Amanda Cartwright, a senior at Valley Forge High School

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Skills training program teaches transitioning veterans to stop drawing penises on everything

PENTAGON — The Department of Defense is preparing to field a new life-skills program aimed at helping service members about to separate from active service break the compulsive habit of

Oct 5, 2022 3 min read paid

7 habits of highly effective suicide bombers

Are you a suicide bomber aspirant struggling to succeed in today's saturated market? Are you envious that everyone is calling Yusuf the "Damascus Dominator" because he

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

DTRA major wears his uniform for the first time in five years

FORT BELVOIR, Va. – Surprise and confusion occurred at the Defense Threat Reduction Agency (DTRA) headquarters when Army Maj. Greg Tomlinson wore his uniform for the first time in as long

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

In mixup, E-4 mistakenly joins actual mafia

JOINT BASE MCGUIRE-DIX-LAKEHURST, N.J. — In an effort to join the E-4 mafia, a local soldier has instead joined the actual mafia, sources confirmed today. Newly-promoted

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Are millennials killing the aimless, protracted war industry?

Have we reached the end of publicly-supported, mutli-decade wars that have no estimable completion deadline and no clear-cut objectives? Now that they're done ruining the

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Command climate survey filled out in bile

FORT BLISS, Texas – Recent command climate surveys from 28th Personnel Services Battalion have proved difficult to compile due to the high proportion that were filled out in bile, semen, and

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Leaked: Fortnite revealed to be Ender’s game

PENTAGON — Much like the search for the golden ticket in Willy Wonka, the country has erupted into a sweet Fortnite gaming sesh that doubles as real world operation to select

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Obese veteran agrees with Supreme Court on transgender troop ban

One large veteran is praising the 5 to 4 Supreme Court decision that allows the Trump administration’s ban on transgender troops to go into effect while the legal debate

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Afraid of talking on radio, millennials Snapchat for fire

AFGHANISTAN – Millennial troops are using Snapchat to call fire missions as a new survey indicates that millennial troops are too anxiety-ridden to talk on the radios, sources confirmed today.

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Typo causes Coast Guard to spend millions of dollars guarding nation's coats

A major typo in a recent presidential directive to the Coast Guard has caused the service to expend thousands of man-hours and millions of dollars in resources guarding the

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Navy and Disney partner to offer ‘the most magical deployments on earth’

SAN DIEGO — Disney is ready to sprinkle some magic over future Navy deployments. The Navy plans to plus up its fleet over the next five years, but its manpower goals

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Nation's spies enroll in Trump Intel university after president says they should go back to school

NEW YORK — All 17 members of the nation’s Intelligence Community (IC) enrolled in Trump Intelligence University on Wednesday after President Trump suggested on Twitter that they go back to

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Nation’s cryptologists emerge from SCIF, predict another month-long government shutdown

FORT MEADE, Md. — A brood of cryptologists bravely poked their heads into the warming rays of the winter dawn before seeing their shadows and predicting an imminent government shutdown, sources

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Taliban assure negotiators they’ll totally stop fighting after the US leaves

DOHA, Qatar — Chief U.S. negotiator Zalmay Khalilzad repeated assurances today he received from the Taliban that they are "totally going to lay down their weapons and become peace

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Optimistic private sees burn pit as half full

CAMP LEMONNIER, Djibouti – Pfc. Braddock Chase, the highest speed motivator in the 1-167th Infantry doesn’t listen to the haters and draggers and prefers to see the burn pits

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Camp Lejeune residents invoiced for any superpowers developed after water poisoning

SMALLVILLE, Kansas — Past residents of Camp Lejeune were recently sent invoices for any superpowers they may have developed from a series of incidents starting in 1953 that led to the

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Soldier avoids UCMJ by living inside amnesty box

BAGHDAD, Iraq — A soldier in Iraq is successfully avoiding the Uniform Code of Military Justice by living inside an amnesty box, sources confirmed today. Spc. Ray Thomas, a communications specialist

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

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