Duffel Blog Staff

Army leadership calls for “disruptive thinkers” to step forward so they can be more easily liquidated

FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. — Senior Army officers and enlisted service members called for “disruptive thinkers” to come forward, so that they can more easily be identified and marginalized or even murdered,

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Lieutenant goes missing after chewing out command sergeant major

CAMP HUMPHREYS, Korea – Alpha Company soldiers and military police are still searching for 2nd Lt. Trevor Senseman after he reportedly ordered the brigade command sergeant major to stand at the

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

After North Pole moves, NORAD assures Eric Trump it can still track Santa

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Department of Defense officials assured Eric Trump that a natural geologic shift of the magnetic North Pole would not jeopardize Santa Claus, his toy workshop, or Trump’

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

ISIS leader has volunteers for suicide bombings but no one will read his screenplay

HAJIN, Syria – In the last 6 years, ISIS leader Abu Omar al-Baghdadi has called for jihad, death to westerners, and martyrdom, but al-Baghdadi now faces his most ambition

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Fossils of prehistoric staff officer found frozen in Afghan Conex box

BAGRAM, Afghanistan — Deployed soldiers found the preserved remains of a prehistoric staff officer frozen in a remote Conex box on Bagram Airfield, noting that the discovery may revolutionize the budding

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Duffel Blog presents: 5 tips for a killer beach body

Winter can be full of holiday parties, lazy snow days on the couch, and a few too many glasses of eggnog. Don’t get too comfortable, though, because spring is

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Sailor ready to defend nation after mandatory training

NORFOLK, Va. -- A vocational warfighter who completed some mandatory training is ready to shoulder the burden of defending the American people, sources confirmed today. Boatswain’s Mate First Class Drake

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Advice: Ask an NCO's signature block

Dear Signature Block, I love my boyfriend, but there’s one thing I don’t love about him: his chain smoking. When we met, he’d occasionally have a cigarette

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Bowser withdraws airships from world 7 despite plumber victories

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – King Bowser plans to withdraw his airship fleet from World 7 after plumbers Mario and Luigi delivered the koopa king numerous setbacks, sources confirmed today. “We’ve won

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Army adds "basically 6 feet" height option to Apache flight physical

FORT RUCKER, Ala. — U.S. Army Aviation Medical Command has elected to include “basically 6 feet” as a height option on the AH-64 Apache flight physical in a move

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Pentagon announces war lineup through 2030

WASHINGTON – The Pentagon released today the official lineup of planned U.S. wars through the year 2030. Policymakers state that the primary goal of the project, known as the ‘Murican

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Black mold replaces black knights as official Army mascot

WEST POINT, N.Y. – The United States Military Academy at West Point announced today that all academy sports teams, previously known as the “Black Knights,” are re-named the “Black

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Battalion commander eliminates all liberty incidents by telling Marines to ‘do the right thing’

TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marines from 1st Battalion 7th Marine Regiment are determined not to have any incidents this weekend after their battalion commander urged them to “do the right thing”

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Judge won't hear case on faulty combat earplugs

DES MOINES — Despite a class-action lawsuit victory for combat veterans against 3M for selling earplugs they knew did not work, local judge Michael Lois will not hear the case

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Pentagon swear jar funds entire border wall after one week

WASHINGTON – Pentagon leaders started a swear jar to defray potential losses after President Donald Trump declared a national emergency to fund parts of a wall on the U.S. border

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

American wife of ISIS militant uses power of attorney to empty husband's bank account while he is deployed

AL HAWL, Syria – Nour Muhammad, who made headlines when she left America to marry an ISIS fighter, arrived in Al Hawl today after cleaning out her husband’s bank account

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Vandal unable to find statue of Confederate warrant officer to deface

DUNN, N.C. — Moments after setting fire to a statue of World War II veteran Maj. Gen. William C. Lee, which he mistook for a statue of Confederate Gen. Robert

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Opinion: Jerkin' it at sea is a lot like jerkin' it while not at sea

Sometimes things in life are the same, and other times things are different. One thing that is the same for me everywhere is wacking it. On a train or in

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Jailed Coast Guard LT claims “plotting domestic terrorism” is how he describes taking a dump

GREENBELT, Md — With claims that sound suspiciously similar to a recent incident at a Home Depot in Kansas, jailed Coast Guard Lt. Christopher Hasson now claims “plotting domestic terrorism” is

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Army opens Klobuchar center of excellence

FORT JACKSON, SC — The U.S. Army marked the opening of the Klobuchar Center of Excellence today with a ribbon-cutting ceremony at Fort Jackson’s Drill Sergeant School. The

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Duffel Blog presents: 6 signs that your spouse is a Dudependa

Due to a variety of policy changes, the U.S. military is witnessing a drastic rise in the number of adult male dependents. While conducting studies about how to best

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Coast Guard icebreaker draws first sea penis

ARCTIC SEA — The Coast Guard icebreaker USCGC Polar Star achieved a world first by drawing a sea penis north of the Arctic Circle, sources confirmed today. “This thing was huge.

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Trump enjoyed Vietnam trip, unsure why McCain complained so much

HANOI, Vietnam —President Donald Trump had a great time on his trip to Vietnam, and is confused as to why former Sen. John McCain had always made the country seem

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Army to name new attack helicopter after Elizabeth Warren

FORT RUCKER, Ala. — The U.S. Army will honor Elizabeth Warren and her Native American ancestry with the latest addition to its helicopter fleet, the AH-68 Warren, sources confirmed

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Pentagon reinstates 'don't ask, don't tell' policy for troops on keto diet

PENTAGON – "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," the controversial policy that formally prohibited military members from openly discussing their sexual orientation, will now block any talk

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

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