ARLINGTON, VA — In a landmark find which has garnered wild controversy and has implications for society in general in addition to the military, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA, released a study Tuesday confirming the hypothesis that in human males, selfish, arrogant jerks have the biggest genitalia.
“It was a huge shock to all of us,” said a clearly still-flabbergasted Dr. Arlo Altoid, DARPA chief of operations. “We just greenlit the study, honestly, so that one particular researcher would shut up and quit asking us about it. But wouldn’t you know it, it’s turned out to be probably the most groundbreaking study we’ve conducted in the last ten years. So her hypothesis was right all along.”
“Well, now a ton of things make sense,” said Petty Officer Third Class Franklin Collins, Jr., currently underway on the USS Talladega in the Pacific, who was unhappy, but unsurprised, at the news. “I could never understand why my high school crush, Sarah-Jessie Certa, was always going out with such douchebags. They’d treat her like dirt, get drunk and date-rape her, post nude pictures of her online, make her buy them weed, even cheat on her ... but she always insisted that deep 'down, they were nice.'"
