Afraid of talking on radio, Millennials Snapchat for fire
AFGHANISTAN – Millennial troops are using Snapchat to call fire missions as a new survey indicates that millennial troops are too anxiety-ridden to talk on the radios, sources confirmed today.
The problem began years back with the generation’s fear of picking up the phone and answering doorbells, but crisis looms as the behavior bleeds over into the professional warfighting environment.
“That crack of the radio is just so sudden, you know? It’s terrifying,” said Capt. Aiden Mason, who was discovered in his company post huddled beneath his desk in fear, cradling a chai latte and an armful of participation trophies as his Gen-X battalion commander tried to contact him over the airwaves.
To combat this predicament, the Marine Corps has begun outfitting its observers with electronic tablets with a built in “Call for Fire” Snapchat expansion app.
“The project took off after we started issuing tablets equipped with the navigational app ‘Waze’ to boot lieutenants and “Uber X-tract” for on-demand helicopter extraction. Snapping for fire just sort of felt like the logical next step,” Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller said.
Air Naval Gunfire Liaison Companies request assistance by sending selfies to artillery batteries, CAS pilots, and naval gunfire platforms under the program. The app even allows troops to call for fire entirely through use of emojis as studies show that 83 percent of the “No Child Left Behind” generation is entirely illiterate. Several photos leaked of infantrymen making duck lips using combat selfie sticks with phrases like “Yaaaaaas, slay” scrawled across the screen.
“This new app is so fire, it really helps with my anxiety,” said Lt. Raz Saturn, an Air Force drone pilot with pink hair and cateye glasses who doesn’t have a callsign because she finds them offensive and “otherizing"
“To be honest, I’m literally mostly just excited to be able to yeet down some arty while taking a fat dump and hitting my Juul,” said Lance Cpl. Craig Johnson, who sources say frequently shares photographs of his feces with fellow Marines.
This new program is not without its critics. Primarily middle-aged veterans who define their entire identity by a four-year enlistment in a peacetime military and spent the following three decadesas subpar midgrade GS employees have criticized the move as "weak" and "coddling a bunch of snowflakes." Many Boomer veterans expressed shock at the current generation, who has borne the brunt of America’s longest wars, and denied any complicity in the way their children were raised or shoddy policy that sent them to war.
Despite the naysayers, Neller expressed faith in the program.
“I can always count on my young Marines to be professional and lead the charge with adapting technology,” Neller said while throwing out a dab to show that he was “down with the youth.”
At press time, the “Text for Fire” program was discontinued after a lance corporal accidentally called in an air strike on a friendly village while power-swiping on Tinder.