Fort Knox, KY — Army Human Resources Command (HRC) confirmed today that officers will now be rated on the punchability of their face in upcoming promotion boards.
“We've been distracted with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and forgotten about the basics,” HRC spokesperson Kevin Lindsey said. “We let too many unworthy officers slip through the cracks. Not anymore.”
Officer Evaluation Reports will now have a section just for rating the punchability of subordinates' faces. Raters must score factors like the smugness of facial expressions and douchiness of the arch of their eyebrows. Leaders can only award the highest rating, 'Dane Cook-punchability,' to 10% of their subordinates, so competition will be fierce.
