JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local veteran Gabe Clammers expressed genuine gratitude today that he has post-traumatic stress disorder to blame for every single one of his shortcomings as a human being, sources confirmed today.
“Haven’t had a job in 5 years? That’s PTSD’s fault. Treat my friends and family like garbage and scream at random strangers for no reason? That’s PTSD, too. Beat my wife and drowned a litter of kittens in the river? Yup, PTSD,” said Clammers. “On this day of Thanksgiving, I’m giving thanks that I bear absolutely zero personal responsibility for any of my actions.”
Doctors say Clammers’ case is a rare one, as most veterans can only attribute between 30 to 50 percent of their flaws to PTSD, at most.
“Blaming the occasional misdemeanor or minor felony on PTSD is fairly standard,” said Dr. Bill Davidson. “But that he’s able to blame every single thing he does from the moment he wakes up at 11 a.m. and starts binge drinking, to the moment he passes out drunk at his computer after a nine-hour bout of posting rage memes and forcing civilians to digitally thank him for his service is astounding.”
