YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, U.S.A. – Success requires courage and sacrifice. That’s true in war, in life, and in getting all the trick-or-treat candy you can carry. As a Navy SEAL, I know this firsthand. I was born in the woods of the American heartland, where as a youth I hunted boar with my dad and M&Ms with my siblings. In combat and in candy capture-and-kill missions, you have to be willing to put it all out there. To lead. To risk it all. To knock the hell out of the Peterson kid before he gets the last full-sized Snickers bar. Here are some tips used by Navy SEALS to maximize your Halloween candy haul.
First up, you have to understand the battlespace before you can conquer. Prior to All Hallows Eve, gather intelligence. No special operations mission happens in a vacuum. You need to know where the high-value targets (HVTs) are. Find out who’s giving out Reese’s Cups and who’s giving out bags of that shitty candy corn. That way you can train your fire on HVTs and not waste precious seconds gathering crap.
A related corollary: figure out what the other kids in the neighborhood are going to dress up as. Remember that nothing in life is fair: not combat, and not trick-or-treating. Your knuckle-dragging neighbors will probably dump tons of sweet candy into the bag of some dumb kid just because he’s dressed like a lame, cute bumble bee or something. Build dossiers on each of these clowns who will be your enemy in the candy-collecting domain. Detail their likely routes and loiter times. This will help you decide the best infiltration site, and where to arrange your extraction once you’re finished.
