Pentagon awards landmine contract to LEGO group

PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has announced an agreement with the LEGO Group, which will begin manufacturing the next generation of landmines for use on the Korean peninsula. "This

Pentagon tells senior leaders to limit sexual harassment to texts and email

WASHINGTON — In an effort to protect service members from the COVID-19 pandemic, Pentagon officials have directed senior Army leaders to limit their sexual harassment of junior soldiers to texts

Furloughed CIF worker really misses treating soldiers like absolute garbage

KLEBER KASERNE, Kaiserslautern, Germany—Furloughed GS employee Molvin Pootnose has been dealing with the worldwide COVID-19 isolation restrictions better than most. He’s taken up origami, embarked on a

Unit with spartan mascot hesitant to wear face masks

FORT BRAGG, N.C. – The Sgt. Maj. of 2-354th “Spartan” Battalion announced today during an ill-advised formation that wearing face masks in uniform did not represent the traditions

Stolen valor association approves stealing medical valor

NEW YORK CITY—The National Stolen Valor Association voted unanimously that in response to the COVID-19 pandemic, they would extend membership to individuals imitating doctors, nurses, EMTs and other

Pentagon worries Capt. Crozier’s concern for his sailors may be contagious

PENTAGON – Pentagon officials have expressed concern in recent days that the former commander of the USS Theodore Roosevelt may have infected other commanders with a desire to place the well-

Teleworking? Here are four Chinese websites sure to improve your connections

BEIJING – President Xi Jinping announced today that China is opening free web services to aid U.S. service members working at home due to novel Coronavirus restrictions. Xi said, “China

Marine dies after 8 days without haircut

THE PENTAGON – An unnamed Marine died yesterday after a prolonged battle with unchecked hair growth, Pentagon officials announced today. The deceased had also been identified as being positively infected with

Marines must innovate to defeat new threats vs. F*ck social distancing, you’re getting a haircut

General David H. Berger, Commandant of the Marine Corps We stands at an inflection point in history. We need innovative thinking to deter 21st Century threats, namely ChinaChina is embarking

This pilot has 20/20 vision, but can he see why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?

NAS FALLON, Nev. — Navy fighter pilot, Lt. Lance “Ox” Mandrake, graduated first in his classes at the Naval Academy, Flight School, and TOPGUN. But his records indicate that, despite his

CDC: Obnoxious airborne COVID-19 mocks “leg” viruses

ATLANTA, Ga – The U.S. Centers for Disease Control announced today that Army medical researchers have uncovered an intriguing characteristic of COVID-19: not only is the virus “airborne,” it’

Influx of barracks tiger cubs as stimulus checks arrive

CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — Wooooooweeee! The barracks is starting to look like that bitch Carole Baskin’s house. We got five live tigers up in this place, ya’all. And it’

Lieutenant Colonel actually Major asshole