FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — An intensive 10 year study completed by a U.S. Army soldier with pus-filled abscesses where his teeth used to be suggests that drinking in excess of eight Rip-Its per day may help humans live longer, sources confirmed today.
Spc. Brett Luers, who was both the subject and administrator of the study, told reporters that he estimates he could extend his life indefinitely by simply drinking the patriotic energy drinks in lieu of food and water for the foreseeable future.
"I think the results speak for themselves," said Luers struggling to stand at the dais while addressing reporters. "Only Rip Its have touched these lips for the past 10 years, and I feel amazing."
Luers told members of the press that there were times he should have rightfully died, but he credits the heavily caffeinated "wonder serum" with saving his life.
