Airborne? More like AirBORING, amirite?
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Yaaaaaaaawwwwwwn. Like, oh so you’re Airborne? No. One. Caaaaaares.
I was Airborne once. And holy cheese wiz did we sit around a lot and throw up in our shirt sleeves a bunch.
Why did we have to show up before the sun rose for a night jump?! WHY?! WHyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!
Because.
Because the Airborne has discovered a way to weaponize boredom. Yeah, you didn’t think we were going to release this kind of information. You thought this was going to be a hit piece. But, nah. The world is ready to know this kind of stuff.
The U.S. Army has been testing boredom on the 82nd Airborne for decades in an effort to weaponize it.
And. They. Are. Masters. Of this stuff.
In the Special Notional Operations Research Effects program, the Army has developed a system to destroy the morale of the enemy through the weaponization of bureaucracy, MREs, busy work, and methamphetamines given to soldiers in the form of Monster energy drinks, Red Bulls, and the mother of all: RipIts.
The success of the prog…
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