BIGPENIS: Navy erects virtually unhackable communications network
IT Lessons from a time when ships were wood and men had it
This purple-headed messenger may hold the key to Navy operational intercourse!
NORFOLK, Virginia — USFLEETCYBERCOM has announced a solution to years of failed cyber security inspections and resultant unwanted attention from Congress. To make every Carrier Strike Group and Amphibious Readiness Group virtually unhackable, ships will soon be equipped with pigeon-based messaging equipment designed to meet the exacting needs of communicators afloat.
“Pigeons were critical messengers in the days when men had wood and ships were of iron,” said Navy Public Affairs Officer Lt. John Shaft before correcting himself. “I mean men were iron and ships were of wood. Of course. That’s precisely what I meant. Nothing Freudian at all, I assure you. Anyway, let’s talk about the Battle Information Grid Pigeon Enterprise Network Intercommunication Service.”
The new system, known by the acronym BIGPENIS, offers end-to-tip encryption as long as no one interrupts a pigeon before it gets where it’s going. That, and other issues surrounding the insertion of the new communication tool were hammered out aboard several ships in Sasebo, Japan, during a communications exercise called BUKKAKE RAIN. Positive reactions showered down upon BIGPENIS operators from all directions.
“The BIGPENIS is no joke. It virtually throbs with effectiveness. It’s probably the most popular tool these Sailors have ever seen,” said ITCS Rod Johnson of the USS San Francisco.
Johnson believes one aspect of the BIGPENIS is particularly critical: PAMA or Pigeon Assigned Multiple Access. “With this setup, there is a single takeoff point for every pigeon, called the Carrier Trunk, and each message is sent one at a time in order of importance, preventing any premature emission by BIGPENIS. It can get a little messy when the pigeons really get backed up, what we call “getting blueballed,” but it’s all worth it when you finally let loose with that money shot.”
Soon every sailor in the fleet will feel the effect of BIGPENIS. The Navy is edging towards a big finish in the BIGPENIS acquisition cycle, said Vice Adm. Randy B. Crites, Deputy Chief of Naval Operations for Integration of Capabilities and Resources.
“Despite swollen costs to get it erected, BIGPENIS offers a means of really pounding out critical communications to a single recipient, multiple partners, or even banging out information over several hours with a gang of consenting operators. Once it is fully up and blasting information out to those deep, dark places where sailors really get wet, you will see the value of a communications system that can get up, stay up, and really work it over time. Thinking about BIGPENIS really gets my blood pumping. I mean, I just swell with excitement.”
BIGPENIS has not been without problems during development: chiefly, Emissions Control, or EMCON. Whether due to the limited capacity of a human Air Boss to ensure all birds are safe from helicopter rotors and jet engines or high-powered radar shots accidentally intersecting with a bird’s path, BIGPENIS legions can suddenly, and violently, explode. Naval communicators call it “The Randy Johnson Effect.”
Additionally, according to ITCS Johnson, “More often than not, BIGPENIS concludes transmissions before distant stations can achieve full receipt of the message.” It’s a perplexing problem admits Johnson. “I don’t know why, but female sailors call it ‘Business as usual’.”
In yet another issue the Navy must solve, communications personnel report that BIGPENIS sometimes goes down and just does not come up no matter what. Male sailors asked about the issue uniformly disavowed any individual awareness of it. One sailor, speaking on condition of anonymity, acknowledged the possibility but said, “If it did happen this was the first and only time and it was likely related to alcohol consumption.”
Still, many sailors praised the new hardware.
“I love the BIGPENIS,” said HM3 Darby Elson, a Corpsman with no role in the system whatsoever. “He really does,” confirmed a smiling Sgt. Adrian Paskewitz, a jacked, tattooed, and tan Marine with no apparent reason to be there.