E4 Mafia opens 'E3 Joint Center of Excellence'
Frfr dog, place is bussin'
Sham Shield engaged: the E3JCOE at peak business hours.
HOMESTEAD AIR RESERVE BASE, Fla. — The Junior Enlisted Servicemembers Union, better known as the "E4 Mafia," held a press conference today to announce the opening of the E3 Joint Center of Excellence (E3JCOE), a professional military education opportunity for rising stars in the E3 community, at Homestead Air Reserve Base, thirty miles north of Key Largo.
“Location, location, location,” said E3JCOE Commandant and Marine Cpl. Miguel Alvarado, currently assigned to the Air Force 482d Fighter Wing as part of an interservice PAO Exchange Program he describes as “a huuuuuuge scam, bro”.
The E3JCOE curriculum is designed “to give E3s vital skills they’re not taught in boot camp,” said Alvarado. Classes, seminars, and field trips cover:
How to get a Dodge Charger loan under 23% APR
When to start a side hustle and how keep it below radar
Why it’s so important to ration the fucks you give
When it’s correct to marry for joint spouse benefits
How to wear your chain of command’s rank without acting like their snooty wives
Why you should retrain into the MOS that expands your post-military career options
E3s in attendance at the E3JCOE receive top-notch lodging. “They get A1 priority-only suites,” said Chief Enforcer and Air Force Senior Airman Butch Hawke, an Air Force Services Specialist assigned to maintain the base reservations system. “I kicked out a lieutenant colonel yesterday to accommodate a lance corporal, no cap.”
Commandant Alvarado is proud of the amenities available to students at the E3JCOE. “The E4 Mafia has ‘needs’ if you know what I mean. Our facility is across from the BX and next to the Falcon’s Nest Club, which is directly in front of billeting. We had to evict a fighter pilot bar that was squatting there but it was totally worth getting them all 24-month unaccompanied orders to Incirlik for it.”
Commandant Alvarado and fellow E3JCOE founders
Uniform regs are seldom enforced at the E3JCOE “because, duh, it’s a reserve base,” said E3JCOE Master Instructor and Navy Petty Officer 3rd Class Diane Preston, who is assigned to support an F-16D trainer aircraft on loan to Homestead. “Also, Air Force folks get bewildered by other branches’ duty & utility outfits and we’re trying to keep the stress low, fam,” added Preston.
Unlike most Centers of Excellence, “it’s not easy to get selected,” said E3COE Plans & Schemes Adjutant and Army Spc. Tony Vannucci, assigned to a recruiting tenant office on Homestead. “You can’t compare us to the senior NCO academies that take any mouth-breather who can fog a mirror.”
Vannucci introduced Army Pfc. Devon Heintz to explain what he has gained from his time scamming at the Joint Center of Excellence. “Joining the Junior Enlisted Servicemembers Union is a key takeaway here,” he said as his adjutant wiped away a tear of joy. “If we go to war, I’ll know the people who can bring in CAS with an A-10, not some bullshit F-22,” said Heintz. “And those private military contractors who were members of the JESU will get fire support from me in return for helping me with a few General Order Number One violations.”
Not every E3 makes it through all the rigorous training. “The instant someone asks about consulting their supervisor,” said Hawke, “they get a Spirit Air Lines voucher taped to an MRE. Our motto is ‘To Conserve Fucks Given’ and that’s why we don’t recycle E3s.”
Those who make it to graduation earn special status as an E3:
Access to the First Sergeant Early Warning System
100 digi-chits in your name written to the Favors4E4s blockchain (available upon sewing on E4 insignia)
Pregnancy Resource Center can submit emergency PCS or CED orders if your girlfriend pees positive
Revenge Resource Center can get your civilian boyfriend arrested if he dumps you while on post
10% discount on purchases of Able Beans, the coffee of choice for E4s
Graduates are eligible to apply to work at the E3JCOE when they get promoted. “But, it’s a tough side hustle to get,” Alvarado confirmed. “You have to con your way into an instructor slot without burning an E4 in the process. That’s pretty much the only thing we give a fuck about.”
Robin Berger retired from the E4 Mafia in 1986 with a diabolical plan to infiltrate the Air Force NCO corps.
