Santa denies allegations of toxic eggnog in elf housing
Someone is on the naughty list.
By Blondes Over Baghdad
JOINT BASE NORTH POLE — North Pole Garrison commander Santa Claus has denied allegations that the eggnog in elf housing contains toxic levels of contaminates.
Elves traditionally bathe, do dishes, and wash their tights and smocks in the public egg nog supply in elf housing. For many elves, the contaminated eggnog has forced them to shower at Santa’s workshop, move into temporary gingerbread houses, or buy bottled eggnog from the AAFES White Elephant Exchange.
“It’s important that we don’t jump to any conclusions about what’s happening in Elf Housing,” said Claus at a recent all elves town hall meeting and carol singalong.
“There are a lot of ways to make eggnog, and sometimes it might smell a little more like nutmeg, and sometimes it might smell a little more like PFAS. That doesn’t mean that it’s not safe to drink. The fact that the sparkle narwhals around the base lost their horns is coincidental. No way the 78% illness rate for minor elves is connected to this in any way. I’ve put my best elves on investigating the issue, but at this point, there’s no evidence anyone should be on the naughty list.”
While the cause of the eggnog contamination is yet to be determined, Duffel Blog has confirmed a recent flying reindeer diarrhea outbreak on the flight line near elf housing.
“It just smelled wrong,” said Sprinkles Cookiedust, a proud North Pole spouse, at the all-elves meeting. “I was hosting some of the other elf wives over at my place to try to sell them scented candles from my North Pole-based business, and I needed to light all of them to cover the scent of vanilla extract and reindeer shit. I knew I couldn’t feed that nog to my children.”
As the toxic eggnog rumors circulated, other elves were not immediately sympathetic.
“These DependaPolarBears are always complaining about something,” said Sgt. Gingerballs Gritty while vaping candy cane at the workshop’s snow pit. “Do they think that the unmarried elf housing is all gumdrops and poinsettias? They wouldn’t last a minute out on that sleigh.”
The other elves at the snowpit have pointed out that the enlisted elves mostly drink Krampus Energy Drink and haven’t had the same eggnog exposure.
Santa went on to explain that while he maintained an Elves First Policy the workshoppers needed to focus on the mission.
“Delivering toys to all the children of the world on Christmas is an important job. Keeping these reindeer ready to fly at Mach speed is inherently dangerous,” Santa continued. “Each of us accepted that risk when we raised our right jingleboot and agreed to serve the North Pole.”
At the time of reporting, the nog at Claus housing has shown no sign of reindeer contamination. Santa concluded the meeting by reminding his elves he had an open mistletoe policy.
Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd
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