Top 7 worst military memorials
Road trip, anyone?
By W.E. Linde
AMERICA — Each year, millions of Americans flock to the National Mall in Washington D.C., Valley Forge National Historical Park in Pennsylvania, or any number of beautiful and somber memorials across the country dedicated to those who answered the nation’s call. And while most memorials are soul-touching expressions of artistic homage, some are soul-crushing abominations that you should avoid at all costs. The designers of these memorials meant well, but there are some aspects of military service that don’t need to be memorialized for generations.
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These are the top seven worst military memorials in the nation.
The Eternal Burn Pit (Washington D.C.)
This memorial was established in 2017 after Congress passed the Do Anything But Actually Help Burn Pit Victims Act. An entire acre of lawn near the Washington Monument was excavated and then filled with thousands of pounds of waste, broken electronics, chemicals, rubber, unexploded ordnance, and then lit on fire. Visitors are encouraged to inhale the toxic black plume and reflect on the choking, carcinogenic smell of freedom.
Wall of STDs (San Francisco, CA)
This towering brick wall is covered in seemingly endless pleas from the military, from the Revolutionary War to the Global War on Terrorism, to the troops to please understand that there are diseases out there that will turn their genitals into sore-covered wastelands. These posters beg our valiant but oversexed troops to either “keep it in your pants” or at least use common sense. Visitors are often overwhelmed at just how much effort was spent trying to keep horny soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines from ruining their lives and often their marriages because they couldn’t think past climaxing.
Poop Like the Troops (Traveling Display)
Conceived by a former civil engineer, this mobile memorial travels across the country to various military museums to show just what it is really like to defecate while rubbing shoulders with your comrades. Museums are encouraged to place the Poop Like the Troops Display in the most public area available so that any sense of privacy or personal space is completely stripped away. A barrel full of human waste is also provided, and visitors are allowed to set it alight and stir it in order to maximize the experience.
An Ode to DTS, the Musical! (New York City)
Everyone’s favorite finance system is brought to life in this tortuous musical adaptation that celebrates everything that we know and love about the Defense Travel System. The songs seem arbitrary, and often repeat each other so that audience members continuously ask themselves “didn’t we just do that?” Songs like “Unauthorized Charges” and “Invalid Unit Level Reviewer” will haunt listeners all night long. And best of all, just when it seems like it’s over, the performance just doesn’t end. And when it does finally finish, some lucky audience members are required to start the whole thing over from the beginning. Everyone who attends DTS the Musical gets to keep a collectible program as well as a letter informing you that your Government Travel Card is now overdue.
The Eventually Returning Warrant Officer Memorial (Smithsonian)
Where is the Chief Warrant Officer? This question rings out across the ages and rarely is answered. This solemn memorial simply displays a CWO4’s cover with a brass plaque with the words “Be back shortly” engraved upon it. But we all know, the CWO will not be back.
Urinalysis Fountain Park (Arlington, VA)
Perhaps the most controversial of all the memorials, Urinalysis Fountain Park is an interactive display that pumps thousands of gallons of urine into wade pools and timed fountains that allow visitors to caper and cavort at will. When asked why the memorial tries to make something so horrible into something fun, the design committee replied that “making the best out of the worst thing” is the very essence of urinalysis duty, plus “what else were we gonna do with all the pee we collect?”
The Eternal Armory Check-in (Ft. Belvoir, VA)
Surveys reveal this is the least favorite memorial of soldiers and Marines. Visitors should plan for at least 12 hours to visit this attraction. Upon arrival, patrons are issued filthy weapons and gear, which they are then instructed to clean using oily rags and chemicals that should not be inhaled but they pretty much have to if they’re ever going to get out of there. Upon returning the gear to the armory, the armorer will carefully inspect the weapon for two seconds before giving it back and telling the visitor to quit wasting his time and just clean the thing right. Vistors will then return to the end of the line and the process will repeat until tears are shed.
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic. Twitter @welinde. Duffel Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.