ARLINGTON, Virginia — The Department of Defense announced today it had terminated funding for a proposed Anti–Think Tank Missile (ATTM) system.

The decision appears to contradict Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s recent move to further restrict Pentagon civilians and service members from participating in think tank panels, conferences, or any event where independent thought might occur. According to an internal Pentagon study, the ATTM was designed as a near-perfect weapon capable of “seeking and eliminating active independent thought, or even its pretense, while sorting complex national security questions.”

“Thinking distracts from our mission at the Pentagon,” Hegseth said. “But thinking about stopping thinking is just too expensive given our current budget. We prefer good old-fashioned self-censorship over a new program that might actually end these tanks.”

News of the system’s cancellation drew mixed reactions from the think tank and intellectual community, many of whom rushed to reassure donors that nothing about their current output resembled independent thought anyway. While some expressed optimism, most remained defensive about the relevance of their institutions and the “thinking” conducted within them.

Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts took time out from his ongoing self-defenestration tour to issue a brief statement.

“Look, I don’t want to misspeak about anything anymore than I already have,” Roberts said. “We have a One Voice policy here at Heritage, which requires our scholars to reach a single unified position rather than differing ones. What’s less intellectual than that? Any missile should pass right over us by that logic — unless the Jews are involved.”

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Despite the program’s demise, others were not taking chances.

“It really is a time to build after all,” joked Yuval Levin of the American Enterprise Institute. “But seriously, we’ve always thought carefully about the real-world costs of missile defense, and this time will be no different.”

At press time, Levin declined to comment on reports that AEI interns were frantically erecting a layered interceptor array along the side of the organization’s headquarters.

Service members, meanwhile, were less sanguine.

“We’ve already purged defense correspondents as an independent voice,” said one Office of Net Assessment officer speaking from a Pentagon broom closet on condition of anonymity. “What chance do any of us still in uniform really have?”