USCG cutter quarantined offshore until crew gets COVID-19 tests, not STD tests

WASHINGTON — Vice President Mike Pence said late Monday that the Coast Guard Cutter Munro off the coast of San Francisco will remain offshore until funding for the crew to be tested for the coronavirus arrives and totally not because it might be riddled with various STDs.

Speaking at the White House on Friday morning, Pence said that all those aboard the Coast Guard Cutter Munro returning from Cancun, Mexico, is to be quarantined due to frequent exposure to large gatherings in high profile areas where COVID-19 may have been reported. The Coast Guard wanted to let the public know that it was definitely not because the entire crew was out partying with drunk college girls during their entire port call.

"It’s very likely that the crew was exposed on two separate outings," Pence said. "However we aren’t sure why symptoms of the coronavirus also include painful urination and redness near the penis."

In an announcement early Friday afternoon local time, Munro's captain shared the news with the crew on board over the loudspeaker.

“We will be quarantined at the pilot buoy until our unit, I mean, crew receives adequate testing for COVID-19, as we do not want to infect our loved ones,” Captain Roger Whoreson told the crew.

In a video, Whoreson can be heard saying those on board "will be provided ointments and antibiotics until they can be transferred to a hospital on shore where they totally will not be making sure it’s not Gonorrhea.”

In an update issued after Pence's Friday announcement, Coast Guard officials said “The cutter’s corpsman is in the process of informing the crew to practice social distancing, washing hands constantly, and to try very hard not to scratch their nether regions any chance they get."

The White House is not exactly sure when and where the ship will moor, and Pacific Area Coast Guard command said it is "interviewing certain crew members who may have exposed themselves to many people and may run higher risk at spreading COVID-19 and absolutely not herpes or chlamydia or whatever."

“In some ways, our cutters are small floating communities. And when we arrive in a foreign port, our crew takes advantage of the amenities and luxuries of these said port calls and things get passed around like they would in any other community," Coast Guard Commandant Karl Schultz said in a video posted to Twitter Friday morning. “Just to be clear though, I wasn’t talking about STDs. Definitely not.”