WASHINGTON — The tenth Secretary of Veterans Affairs, The Honorable Robert Wilkie, is proud to announce his agency finally has mailed Navy veteran Kirk Douglas his disability rating decision.

The Veterans Affairs Headquarters was excited to also tell Kirk Douglas that the disability rating means he will begin receiving compensation for the injuries he sustained during the Second World War.

When the VA was informed the 103-year-old Douglas recently passed, the VA press secretary first verified that Kirk Douglas did not end his life on the premises of a VA location.

Once confirmed, the Glorious Robert Wilkie expressed his regret and remorse over news of Douglas dying of old age before the VA could send any disability payments.

“Bummer, man,” Wilkie said. “But Dan Crenshaw said he was kind of a shitbag, so there's that.”

Kirk Douglas’ son, Michael Douglas, reportedly had to call the VA hotline number 13 times to inform the VA that his father was dead. The line automatically disconnected twelve of those calls before anyone answered.

The Majestic and Beneficent Wilkie told reporters, “It is unfortunate that Kirk Douglas gave up the ghost, but I think we can all look at this and learn something about the VA today: The system works. This was in line with our core-est of values: Commitment.”

The VA ensured the press was notified that compensation pay is not retroactive. At that point, The Exalted and Prophetic Wilkie, Grand Poobah of Expectations and Nutmeg of Consolation, stopped talking and stared at the podium for several minutes.

Kirk Douglas was a renowned veteran, actor, blogger, and activist. He survived a helicopter crash, a stroke, and infamous C-Rations, which only served veggie omelets. May his soul find rest, knowing that the VA never forgot him.

Paul Silk contributed to reporting.