FORT HUACHUCA, Ariz. — Surprising some in the intelligence community, newly-released data show that Army intelligence estimates have become almost 300 percent more accurate after analysts began the practice of reading animal entrails.
“It’s a bit of a shock for some, but those of us who’ve been giving analysis in Afghanistan recently know from experience, it’s much better than the old methods,” said Master Sgt. Jed Begley, an instructor at the U.S. Army Intelligence Center and former intelligence section leader for 2nd Brigade, 82nd Airborne Division.
“In theater, we knew right away that the entrails were working when our targeting packages starting yielding some actual arrests and kills,” he continued. “After my OIC wrote a couple of papers about it, the Army took notice and allowed us to do some proof-of-concept tests during [Combat Training Center] rotations.”
After Begley’s tests were complete, the data was parsed and sure enough, entrails were ranked the most effective and accurate source of actionable intelligence. The analyzed data show that entrails have increased accuracy of 63% over tea leaves, 86% over horoscopes, and 111% over the “consulting the bones” method as practiced by the High Aldwyn in the movie “Willow.”
