WASHINGTON — The Office of the Chief of Staff of the Army has issued a new All-Army Activities message, or ALARACT, empowering military police with punitive authority to issue monetary citations for infractions of Army regulations such as uniform wear and appearance, hair, grooming, and height-and-weight standards, sources confirmed today.

Local military police detachments are now authorized to issue on-the-spot citations for infractions, with an associated monetary fine which will be deducted directly from the offender’s base pay upon final adjudication of the citation, according to details of the message.

“The biggest target of this policy is going to be those repeat-offender soldiers who can’t seem to stop looking like a sock drawer come to life,” said a spokesman for Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley. “These are the sorts of low performers who don’t really care about signing a counseling statement but notice when it hits their wallet. So we’re going to make it hurt a little.”

The severity of the infraction will determine the nature of the fine. An out-of-regulation haircut, for instance, might only result in a verbal or written warning for a first offense. Repeat offenses will incur fines which increase proportionally with each successive offense.

Failure to observe customs and courtesies, such as failing to render a salute or the greeting of the day as appropriate, subjects the offender to a fine of no less than $40. More severe infractions, such as presenting an appearance that suggests excessive body fat, could subject the suspected offender to a field tape test. Testing positive for excess body fat will lead to a minimum fine of $200 and immediate enrollment in the Army Body Composition Program in accordance with AR 600-9.

The policy marks a major win for senior leaders who have long bemoaned a lack of effective tools for combating a decline in good order and discipline that doesn’t require extra time or effort, or drastically altering or detoxifying their leadership style in any meaningful way.

“Finally, we can do something about these turds who just go rolling around post looking like a CIF threw up on a middle-schooler,” said a garrison sergeant major. “It’s about time that we as leaders are able to dispense all that time-wasting hassle of fostering and developing individual soldier discipline and pride because what leader actually has time to personally mentor subordinates?” Better to let the ones who already have that take care of doing the right thing on their own with no feedback so we can focus on hammering the slack-jaws who’d rather whine about how no one’s ever taken the time to show them.”

Pentagon officials dismissed critics of the new policy and called it a thinly disguised money grab by an already cash-strapped Army.

“Soldiers can easily avoid fines by observing and adhering to Army regulations,” a spokesman said.

Army top brass are finalizing language that will provide exceptions for senior ranks after a staggering 470 citations were issued at the Pentagon alone after the publication of the policy, totaling a cumulative dollar amount of over $100,000, mostly for violations of AR 600-9.

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Army leaders directed a non-commissioned officer to medical screening for a traumatic brain injury after he advocated for soldiers and displayed compassion to fellow human beings, sources confirmed today.All Posts

Colleagues grew concerned last month when they witnessed Sgt. Andrew Hawthorne having rational conversations at a reasonable volume with lower-ranking service members on multiple occasions, according to his platoon sergeant, Sgt. 1st Class Greg Bolster.

“I knew for sure something was wrong when he asked [the personnel officer] about a pay issue for one of his soldiers,” said Bolster. “I have never even heard of soldiers getting paid on time, so this was big indicator for me.”

After weeks of seeming aloof and dedicated to the development of his squad members, Hawthorne was referred to Womack Army Medical Center. His rate of deterioration shocked doctors who had never seen a case of TBI that advanced.

“Traumatic brain injuries get better over time, so it is a little frightening to think about how effective Hawthorne had been immediately after his injury,” said head of neurology Dr. Laura Penwarden. “I am just glad we caught this before he offered advice on how to manage finances.”

While these types of wounds can manifest themselves in many ways, it is not surprising to observe behavior this out of character for an NCO, according to Penwarden. Perhaps most concerning, however, is Hawthorne’s repression of the incident that left him so scarred.

“Hawthorne denies ever having been hit by an IED or any other direct blunt force trauma to the head, but that is just his brain’s way of coping with the emotional scars and social stigma of asking for help,” said Penwarden.

Penwarden implored other service members to help their battle buddies by looking for other signs of TBI including releasing subordinates at a reasonable hour, submitting high performers for awards, and using words in the correct context.

“As long as we are vigilant and can recognize the signs, we can make sure soldiers get the help they deserve,” Penwarden added.

While it is a long road for recovery, Hawthorne said he isn’t letting his disability stand in the way of a successful Army career.

“I honestly don’t know what everyone is talking about,” Hawthorne told reporters while strapped to a gurney for his own safety. “Can someone please tell me what is going on?”

Surgeons are optimistic about Hawthorne’s long-term prognosis and are confident that a trans-orbital lobotomy will make him an outstanding NCO once again.

WEST POINT, N.Y. – From the moment he stepped onto, as he calls it, Apron 9 ¾, West Point Fourth Classman Blaise Boodlesworthy has been waiting for the end of beast barracks when he heard the cadets will gather in Eisenhower Hall under the watchful portraits of many headmaster generals to be sorted in their houses.

“The sorting hat knows best, but I’ve always known in my heart that I’m a Slytherin,” Boodlesworthy said. “Otherwise, I never would have gone to West Point.”

Though the sorting hat ceremony has not been listed on any training schedule or announced in the instructions he received over the summer, the gray arches, imposing stone and green fields of the United States Military Academy, have reassured Boodlesworthy that West Point is the perfect place for a Slytherin.

“Better Hufflepuff than Slytherin,” mumbled Sergeant 1st Class Hagrid, Boodlesworthy’s TAC NCO, a West Point washout himself. “There wasn’t a single chief of staff of the Army who didn’t come from Slytherin.”

Each house has been represented at West Point over the years with varying results. However, approximately 85 percent of West Point cadets are Slytherins. A few Hufflepuffs pop up every year and branch quartermaster or transfer to the Air Force. Ravenclaws are known to graduate after many hours of fatigue duty and fights in the Firstie Club. Exactly one cadet sorted into Gryffindor. He immediately requested a release to become enlisted. He is now in Ranger Reg and hates everything.

Boodlesworthy has been dreaming of joining the House of Slytherin since Hagrid appeared to him in the cupboard under the stairs in his mom’s basement and whispered, “You’re an officer, Blaise.”

However, since coming to West Point, Boodlesworthy’s entitlement, hijinx, and sense that’s he the chosen boy who can fight the Global War on He Who Must Not be Named has earned him many walks in the yard and most likely will make his first platoon frag him.

“Ambitious, shrewd, cunning.” grumbled Hagrid. “Focused on self-preservation. That’d be the lot of them. Far better than Hufflepuff. Might as well gone to the Air Force Academy than be a Hufflepuff.”

CAMP COURTNEY, Okinawa — Retiring Headquarters Battalion Sgt. Maj. Joe Perkins expressed outrage and disgust on the hallowed literary digest LinkedIn over the lack of high-pay, high-power jobs available for veterans with no discernible skills aside from interrupting loudly and expressing themselves incoherently, sources confirmed today.

Perkins elaborated to reporters on the lack for opportunity for “real hard chargers” as he plans to transition to life in the civilian world.

“It’s just plain dumb,” he barked in a raspy voice scarred by decades of smoking Marlboro reds, his overly aggressive high-and-tight sitting atop a beet-red face. “Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that these corporations don’t need someone with no real job description to walk around, disrespect their superiors in public, tell stories about lifing staff sergeants, and have temper tantrums over seemingly small mistakes?”

Perkins seemed to be having trouble articulating his value added to would-be employers.

“I went to one place, got out of my car, and immediately said, ‘Oh. My. God.’ People were walking all over the parking lot without reflective belts and most of them without buddies. People walking on grass. I stormed right into the CEO’s office and said, ‘Listen sir, you need me here to tighten this shit up ricky-ticky, roger?’”

John Evans, CEO of service supply company ServiceCorp, found Perkins’ behavior appalling for an industry that does not pay people to spend 15 minutes correcting junior workers on executing a proper salute.

“I thought maybe a crazy person or a bum with a weird haircut had come into our building,” Evans said. “He was grabbing people’s laptops and throwing them, screaming ‘tie your shit down!’”

Perkins storied career includes one six-month deployment to Kosovo, and people in his current workplace lovingly refer to him as “worthless sack of shit” and “fuckface.”

“Anyone out their want to support a real VETRAN??!? Years of leadership experience & maintaining the standard r a linkedin clik away!!!!1,” he wrote, wrapping up his post.

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — An Afghan bodyguard seems like “a real straight-shooter,” sources reported today, adding that the professional guardian’s steely-eyed, thousand-yard stare brings a tide of warmth and comfort to the officials he protects.

Khalil Rahmati, a Kandahar native, was recently appointed to the security detail of Lt. Gen. Omar Abboud, a critical figure in the stability of Kandahar province who is entrusted with safeguarding Afghan and U.S. interests against the Taliban. Rahmati is Kandahar’s local Top Shot champion and holds the national record for shooting the most targets in the back in a one-minute period.

“Allah, what blessings to have such an eagle-eyed warrior in my personal guard,” said Abboud, successor to Gen. Abdul Razeq.

Razeq, a highly-respected and effective commander, was assassinated by his own bodyguard on Thursday.

Rahmati’s U.S. counterparts have also lauded his professionalism and, in particular, his marksmanship abilities.

“He’s basically the perfect soldier,” said Lt. Gen. Austin Miller, who survived the insider attack that killed Razeq and a high-ranking intelligence officer.

“If he were in the [U.S.] Army, Rahmati would certainly promote to sergeant with marksmanship scores like his,” added Sgt. 1st Class Chad Henry, deployed with the 1st Security Force Assistance Brigade. “Now, does that mean that I trust him with my life?”

“Absolutely,” he said.

FORT LEONARD WOOD, Mo. – Army Sgt. Pennyworth Montgomery’s notably complex steampunk top hat sprung a class III leak in the middle of morning formation, sources confirmed today.

“I noticed it immediately,” said Spc. Christie Jones. “One moment the steam whistle puffed away gentle bursts of vapor to release pressure. In the next, there was clear drop formation — each of which fell from their own weight.”

Having escaped Montgomery’s notice, the leak worsened due to the internal pressure generated by the boiler apparatus held within the hat’s large stovepipe structure. This caused a torrent of scalding water to spray over the faces of two privates standing adjacent to Montgomery.

“Arrghhh!!!” screamed Spc. Michael Johnson as doctors treated him at the local burn unit. “Who even lets him wear that stupid thing?!”

The military police sergeant said an internal problem caused the top hat to send boiling water shooting on the privates who he expected to hold the position of attention.

“Well, I think the problem arose when the 25 tooth brass gear misaligned with those around it. This caused the hat’s internal dampening system to overfill with steam pressure,” Montgomery said while wearing a purple tented set of welding goggles.

“This sent a gust of steam through the incorrect piping and into a glass reservoir directly underneath the series of Edison bulbs I have attached around the top to indicate ambient air temperature and atmospheric pressure,” he continued after adjusting a few external lenses over his left eye and checking an ornate brass pocket watch.

Montgomery then opened an umbrella with a loud, “Cheerio!” and floated into the sky towards the dirigible he had moored to a light pole at the barracks parking lot.

The following is an excerpt from the personal journal of Lt. Gen. William Yarbrough (1912-2013), reprinted by Duffel Blog with permission from the Green Beret Association.

So here it was, June of 1998, and the Pentagon made the decision that they wanted all the Army Special Operations components under one unit umbrella. They had pretty much everything figured out except what to call the new parent command. So Eric [Shinseki], who was about to take over as chief of staff, called me up and asked me for ideas on a name.

Now, during Vietnam, Green Berets would be out doing things in the middle of nowhere, and they’d have absolutely no supplies to speak of.

Guys would be complaining that they had to do their business out there in the jungle but didn’t have anything to wipe with. The team commanders would be constantly telling people “use a sock.” Or when guys would need to take care of themselves, if you know what I mean, but there was no tissue paper handy? “Use a sock.”

Seriously, socks were easier to get than toilet paper. I still don’t know why. Guys within the Special Forces community started saying “use a sock” for literally everything. It got to the point where it almost became an institutional joke motto, sort of like “Wagner loves the cock” for the Marines.

So now here it is, I’d been retired for almost thirty years, when out of the blue I get a phone call from Eric, and he asks me to come up with an idea for a name for this new major command.

Without even thinking, I blurted out, “Use a sock.” It was just an offhand joke. I never meant for him to take it seriously. But he ran with it, and sure enough, a year and a half later, there he is, announcing the formation of USASOC (U.S. Army Special Operations Command).

I never had the heart to tell him. He’d probably be really embarrassed.

ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.