US-MEXICO BORDER, Ariz. — President Donald Trump has declared a state of emergency on the U.S. border with Mexico and is deploying thousands of National Guard troops there to masturbate, eat MREs, and play with personal knives, sources confirmed today.
The soldiers will also be tasked with playing card games and generating PowerPoint briefing slides for generals in Washington, according to defense officials, who added the slides will likely lead to questions of overall government capacity on counter-narcotics operations and DEA/SOUTHCOM institutional dynamics, as if they give a shit about any of it.
The president’s order came just days after he expressed a desire to use the military to construct his border wall. Although both Mexico and Congress have rebuffed funding requests for wall construction, White House officials say Trump is now taking executive action to protect America’s sovereignty, by using troops experienced in shutting down international borders in Iraq, Afghanistan, and elsewhere.
“I’m proud to serve my state and my country,” Spc. Ronnie Johnson, a soldier in the Texas Army National Guard, told reporters while he and others were packing for deployment. “Hey does anyone have any more lotion and shit paper? I can’t find mine.”
At press time, a number of first sergeants were seen telling their younger troops about the days “back in ’06” when they had to eat older MREs and weren’t allowed to masturbate unless they had a battle buddy.