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Obese veteran agrees with Supreme Court on transgender troop ban

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One large veteran is praising the 5 to 4 Supreme Court decision that allows the Trump administration’s ban on transgender troops to go into effect while the legal debate moves through the circuit courts.

The ruling sparked a significant uproar on social media, but not everyone disagrees with the policy that has been criticized as exclusionary and misguided. Nick Tollhouse, a veteran with two tours of service, commended the Supreme Court for its critical legal analysis of the issue and sound decision regarding the future of the military.

“I just really think it’s about lethality and combat readiness,” he said, squeezing an entire tube of raw cookie dough into his mouth. “How am I supposed to serve in war next to someone who doesn’t even know their own gender?”

The sudden change in policy occurred after Trump tweeted that transgenders would not be allowed to serve in the military in any capacity. Previously, transgender service members could serve openly after a year-long study resulted in a change by the Obama administration.

“I just don’t think American tax dollars should go towards unnecessary surgeries that keep a Marine from properly serving his country,” he continued as literal bacon grease began to pool under his armpits. “My wife served too. And sure, she was pregnant for her entire enlistment, but at least she knows she’s a woman.”

Tollhouse served in the military from 2007 to 2015. His last unit deployed to Afghanistan in support of Operation Enduring Freedom where they suffered numerous casualties. At the time, Tollhouse was selected by his command to remain in garrison after having undergone surgery to remove a sandwich that had lodged itself under a service-related fat roll.

“The military isn’t a money pool where you can just join up for free gender reassignment surgery because you feel like it. It’s for those people who want to defend and serve their country. Medical care like the mobility scooter the VA is providing me — that should go to the real heroes,” he said.

Tollhouse was unavailable for further comment as he was then rolled out of the interview room like a giant blueberry.

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