HOGSMEADE, UK — In an unprecedented move raising eyebrows across the wizarding world and the world of veteran benefits, medically retired Spc. Michael “Magic” Eastwood, a 38-year-old Army veteran, has enrolled at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry using his Post-9/11 GI Bill as a part of a new veteran’s program there.
Eastwood, who has no inherent magical ability, has become an unlikely figure at the school, known for skipping classes, selling cigarettes to sixth and seventh years, and showing up to the few classes he attends reeking of Butter Beer.
“It’s like Billy Madison went to wizard school, only with more facial hair and a more pronounced drinking problem,” commented Mr. Arthur Weasley, a man familiar with muggle entertainment.
Eastwood, who served three tours in Afghanistan, plans to major in Defense Against the Dark Arts. “After facing Taliban insurgents, I figured a few dark wizards shouldn’t be too tough,” he said, staring into the distance while polishing his new wand, a sturdy 12-inch oak with a core of phoenix feather. “Plus, I’ve always been good at land navigation, so finding my way around the Forbidden Forest for field exercises should be a breeze. I’m not a lieutenant, after all.”
