Duffel Blog Staff

DHS purchases 1.2 billion 'domestic anti-personnel' rounds

ARLINGTON, VA — The Department of Homeland Security has purchased more than one billion rounds of a newly designed 9mm handgun round designated "domestic anti-personnel," developed in part

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Sailor spends hours in locker room bashing gays while completely naked

YOKOSUKA, JAPAN — Sources confirmed a sailor with Commander Fleet Activities Yokosuka (CFAY) has been spending a majority of his free time in a base gym locker room trash-talking homosexuals

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Marines convert to norse paganism, demand horns and wings on helmets

CAMP LEJEUNE, NC — An entire rifle squad which has converted to Asatru, or Northern European Heathenry, has expressed disappointment in new Pentagon dress code requirements, claiming religious exemptions to military

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Navy flexes muscle, tows retired aircraft carrier toward North Korea

BREMERTON, WA — Seeking a way of keeping Pyongyang in check amidst a tightened budgetary environment, the Navy today began towing a 52-year-old decommissioned aircraft carrier from what some

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

President Obama preemptively apologizes for future US wars

NEW YORK — In a statement to the United Nations Security Council on Monday, President Barack Obama gave a heartfelt apology for what he called the "tragic and brutal"

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Ask a needlessly complex Army Flowchart

Dear Needlessly Complex Army Flowchart, I'm moving to Fort Hood with my wife, and I'm concerned about housing. I understand that living in married housing is

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Officer fixes problem soldier by transferring him to another command

COLUMBUS, GA — The executive officer of the 36th Engineering Group fixed the recurring discipline problems of a junior soldier by transferring him to a different command, sources confirmed today. Lt.

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Veteran continues to serve country by pointing out uniform discrepancies on the Internet

PLYMOUTH, Minn. – A local veteran is taking to the web in what many call a one-man crusade against the breakdown of military order on the internet. Thomas Trupia, a

Oct 5, 2022 3 min read paid

Working party does neither

CAMP PENDLETON — Four Marines assigned to a working party are doing neither right now, sources confirmed today. The group of Marines, three lance corporals and a private first class, were

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Army times apologizes for adding 'hilarity ensues' to Iraq car bombing article

SPRINGFIELD, VA — Gannett Government Media, the parent company which publishes the Army Times, issued a formal apology late Sunday for insensitive additions to an article about a Baghdad car bombing.

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

F-35 delayed after fourth prototype becomes self-aware and has to be destroyed

THE PENTAGON — The military's problematic F-35 fighter jet is facing more delays related to “software issues,” as project engineers were forced to euthanize the fourth prototype to

Oct 5, 2022 3 min read paid

Deployed recon unit convinced 49ers will win NFC championship

AFGHANISTAN — Deep in the most remote regions of Afghanistan, loyal San Francisco 49er fans serving in a Recon platoon are eagerly awaiting news of their beloved football team, and speculating

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Heartwarming steel reserve Super Bowl ad welcomes soldier home to empty house, 40oz beers

FT STEWART, GA — Critics are hailing a new 60-second television advertisement from Steel Brewing Company set to air during the Super Bowl, which features the tear-jerking story of

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Sleep-deprived pilot unsure whether on final approach to Bagram or getting lap dance from carmen electra

BAGRAM AIR BASE — A sleep-deprived pilot in a severely catatonic state was unsure whether he was on final approach toward the main runway at Bagram or getting a lap

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Soldier who just graduated boot camp writes '18 things you should know about Army life' at BuzzFeed

FORT LEE, VA — A soldier who graduated basic training two weeks ago has accepted a position as BuzzFeed's senior military advisor, submitting his first article to the publication

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Russia issues terror alert for 'moose and squirrel'

SOCHI, RUSSIAN FEDERATION – Just hours before the opening ceremony for the Sochi Winter Olympics, Russia has put out an alert for two potential terror suspects, referred to by security officials

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

The Colonel May not see it, but I know you're a total Shitbag

The following is an opinion article written by the challenge coin of Col. Nathan Smith. Oh well look at that. Isn't that nice. My boss just passed me

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Army officer beaten in Super Bowl commercial backlash

FORT DRUM — The horrific beating of a beloved Army officer this weekend has shocked the military community, causing some Pentagon officials to call for a review of policies that govern

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Winter is coming: Cannibalistic Warlords arise at Ft. Bragg in wake of winter storm

FAYETTEVILLE — Hunched shivering in the burned-out husk of a city bus, former Sgt. 1st Class Tina Allred readies her spear. Beside her former Specialist Joey Pulsipher threads a dart

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Hagel caught cheating on defense secretary proficiency exam

THE PENTAGON — Defense officials are in damage-control mode following the revelation from the Inspector General's office that Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel allegedly cheated on his annual proficiency

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Budweiser purchases naming rights to Arlington national cemetery

THE PENTAGON — The parent company of the popular Budweiser beer brand announced Monday it had reached a deal with military officials to acquire the naming rights to Arlington National Cemetery,

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

Sergeant Major petulantly orders West Point grad to use more big words

FORT BLISS, TX – Sgt. Maj. Michael Arnez made waves today at the local German club after sources reported overhearing the 23-year Army veteran yelling at a freshly-commissioned second

Oct 5, 2022 1 min read paid

Marine commandant hosts book burning at 8th & I

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

The 5 most-happening military spring break destinations

[tps_header]Spring break may seem out of reach for military members these days, with increased work loads and shrinking budgets. But weekend duty or another free trip to Anheuser-

Oct 5, 2022 3 min read paid

Sergeant Major goes on rampage after office equipment refuses to obey

BATTALION HQ — The Battalion Sergeant Major completely lost it on a number of inanimate objects this morning, in a rampage stemming from problems that began with his desktop computer, sources

Oct 5, 2022 2 min read paid

For more than a decade, we've deployed pitch perfect satire to service members around the world.

Latest Articles

Find the story you swear someone already wrote.

Your Cart

Before you go…

We're sorry to see you go.