WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Navy has introduced a new initiative aimed at promoting more douchebag naval aviation officers to higher ranks. The Douchebag to Admiral Program (DAP) is a strategic effort set to launch in May in hopes of transforming even the most insufferable and brash aviators into top-notch admirals with a heightened sense of which way the political winds are blowing.
Admiral Beau ‘Cyclone’ Simpson, the mastermind behind DAP, remarked in a press conference, "We realized that reprimanding these egotistical aviators was futile. Directing their ‘Top Gun’ vibes into upper management positions with minimum resources to accomplish the mission will ensure office drama unfolds like a high-stakes action movie. But if we can get them now, we can turn them into easily managed, predictable, automatons with fantastic instincts for self-preservation.”
Eligible candidates for the DAP program will be identified through peer nominations, performance reviews filled with colorful expletives, and an uncanny ability to create tension in any room they enter. Once selected, participants will undergo an intensive six-month course that includes empathy training, teamwork exercises, and what is also often a first exposure to humility.
