Amid Omicron surge, National Guard called up to man entire DoD
They're here, they're there, they're everywhere!
By Blondes Over Baghdad
PENTAGON — As the omicron variant rages, National Guard units have been called up to serve as school bus drivers, substitute teachers, food bank employees, and now, cover down on the entire Department of Defense.
“When General Milley tested positive for Coronavirus, we were worried at first,” said Pentagon spokesman John Kirby. “But then we found a guy named Randy in Nebraska who was able to come out here on TDY to backfill him as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs.”
Duffel Blog has learned that Randy is Randy Smith, a General in the Nebraska National Guard who was happy to take the assignment, especially after the Papa Johns he works at eliminated his job as a delivery driver. Sources report that Randy was happy to use up his Annual Training days as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, so long as he didn’t have to take a PT test any time soon.
“It’s been a crazy year,” Airman 1st Class Tara Richardson, a dental hygienist with the New York Air National Guard told Duffel Blog. “First I got called up to work in a nursing home, then to guard the Capitol building, and then back over to Jersey Mike’s Arena to administer COVID tests. Now I’m the skipper of the USS Alabama, an Ohio Class ballistic missile submarine for the next week or two.”
When a COVID-19 outbreak hit the famed 82nd Airborne Division, most of the members of the 33rd Personnel Services Battalion didn’t think that they were ready to take on the unit’s elite “fight tonight” mission.
“It was tough. The other soldiers knew that we didn’t fit in,” said Sgt. 1st Class Crandle Hodges. “But after a couple of weeks, it started to click. We all got matching 82nd tattoos and then bought giant trucks with airborne decals and truck nuts. Except for one girl. She got a Jeep. Now things are going better.”
Other members of the National Guard were excited to be assigned to elite units like the Navy SEALs. Pfc. Devin Rogers, a personnel clerk in the 1-34th infantry “Red Bulls” expected that without enduring the rigorous training program to qualify for the SEALs he would struggle to fill the mission, but learned that his spec script for the semi-autobiographical thriller “Dark Waters and Long Weekends” sold just as fast as his peers.
Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has expressed deep gratitude and appreciation for the soldiers and airmen stepping in to fill the DoD, but cited that it wasn’t a long-term solution.
“The National Guard is a critical part of our armed services. We cannot go to war without them, but if we keep them on this mission for more than 29 days, we’ll need to give them health care.”
At press time, Austin reported that his throat was feeling a bit itchy, and inquired if Randy could stay in DC a little longer.
Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd
Hilarious!
"But after a couple of weeks, it started to click. We all got matching 82nd tattoos and then bought giant trucks with airborne decals and truck nuts. Except for one girl. She got a Jeep. Now things are going better.” Somebody's been to Yadkin Road. . . .