‘Butt hurt’ now covered by VA disability
All claims to be submitted from trucks via GoPro
Think your Raptor is cool? These BroVets got a 5-ton. Truck rants for days!
DEPT. OF VETERANS AFFAIRS, Washington, D.C. — In a press conference at the Dept. of Veterans Affairs, VA spokesman Chase Lipinsky, who enjoys slam poetry open mics, skinny jeans, and has never once seen a bottle of dip spit, announced, “Former service members may now claim “butt hurt” as a service-related injury.”
Characterized as a chronic injury by healthcare professionals, symptoms of butt hurt include abnormally thin skin, disproportionate anger at changes in the nature of military life, ranting on social media from the front seat of one’s truck while wearing white Oakley sunglasses, and random verbal outbursts that may include “Split tails have ruined my Corps,” or beginning poorly supported assertions about complex defense issues with, “Back in my day…”.
Exactly how many service members and veterans live with butt hurt in everyday life is unknown. However recent studies have determined it is increasingly common in White males over 50, especially those who served for less than 4 years in non-combat roles. Recent major events linked to the onset of the illness include news of 12 weeks of parental leave for military parents, the Marine Corps adjusting female grooming standards, and the Navy’s attempts to implement common-sense sleep/watch schedules to prevent collisions at sea.
Beginning this year, veterans may file a claim for the effects of butt hurt, says X. Carswell, a Department of Veterans Affairs claims officer who classifies themself as a non-binary pansexual and just cuts their hair however the hell they want, “Veterans may expect this added claim to be denied at least twice and should anticipate at least 6 months or more of processing time between each submission. However, shouted truck rants attacking me personally on Facebook generally help overcome obstacles to approval. Depending on the severity of the injury, veterans may be entitled to 0-10% additional disability rating.”
Some might wonder why a veteran would even bother with filing a claim for such a small percentage. But victims of butt hurt, used to overreacting to something many view as insignificant, have been preparing for this very thing for years.
The news is particularly sweet for veterans like Erik O’Hara, a former Navy Disbursing Clerk 3rd Class, who served from 1992-1995 and once deployed to Honolulu for two weeks of TAD. He attributes his struggle with butt hurt to one instance in particular.
“It was all downhill after they started letting girls be on ships,” O’Hara remarked. “I knew I had to leave that three-ring circus as soon as the chicks showed up.” When asked, O’Hara clarified that he had actually never received orders to a Navy warship during his time in service but didn’t see how that was relevant, especially when he was, “Gonna go SEALs because they wanted me bad, but my detailer fucked me.”
Unfortunately, no cure yet exists for butt hurt but treatment is available. Those living with its impact may be advised to “get a real hobby”, “get off the computer”, or simply try “minding their own business”.
Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart-ass.