BEIJING—China on Friday repeated its threats to beleaguered mothers and fathers in the West that it would continue acting out for at least another week if it was not given back its toy Taiwan.

“We reserve the option of taking all necessary measures. This is to guard against external interference and all separatist activities,” Defense Minister Gen. Wei Fenghe said at a press conference in Beijing while throwing his lunch at reporters, screaming, “I want it now!” and stamping his feet.

“Mine! Mine! Mine!” cried Premier Xi Jinping before knocking over the podium and smearing finger paint on the walls. Top aides suggested Xi was overtired from dealing with Russia’s invasion of Ukraine and was upset that his grilled cheese didn’t have the crusts cut off.

China has intensified its activities in the South China Sea, escalating its rhetoric and deploying ships near Taiwan's shores by somehow getting over the baby gate of international waters and exclusive economic zones. Western analysts are divided about whether China wants war, needs food, or has a full diaper.

“China will continue acting out until the United States stops hogging Taiwan, which China has wanted to play with since 1949," said one expert on U.S.-China relations after staying up most of the night tending to newborn twins.