WASHINGTON – Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner was awarded U.S. Space Force jump wings today, making him the very first recipient of the new service’s most coveted badge. The U.S. flew him in from Vienna to honor his heroic 2012 jump from the stratosphere, wherein he became the first man to break the sound barrier without vehicular power, reaching Mach 1.25 from 24 miles up.
“There may have been a bit of a language barrier,” said Chief of Space Operations, Gen. John Raymond, who presided over the ceremony, “But I’m pretty sure that when I pinned his wings, he called me a ‘dirty Leg.’”
Sources say that the winging, sponsored by Red Bull, was a good faith gesture between the U.S. government and the energy drink company, which will officially sponsor the fledgling Space Force.
“Red Bull has had a better space program than America for nearly two decades,” said Raymond. “We went to Elon Musk first, but he was too busy on a global scavenger hunt for ancient, otherworldly artifacts that he claimed were the only way to seal away the dark wizard Jeff Bezos behind the Millennium Door and bring peace to the galaxy.
“At least that’s what his secretary told us.”
The Space Force hopes to convince Baumgartner to command its upcoming, moon-based “Drop” School for Mobile Infantry Troopers. But the Austrian allegedly refused the offer when he realized that his wings were actually just the logo from the early 2000s cartoon, “Buzz Lightyear of Star Command”