By Hunter J. Keith

NORTH POLE, Republic of Claustria — Citing a pattern of hypocritical fitness standards, elves of the Arctic Toy Making Command expressed exasperation after Santa Claus once again obtained a waiver to pass his physical training test, a handful of elves told Duffel Blog on condition of anonymity.

“What do you expect when the mess hall only has peanut brittle and fudge?” one older elf said of being denied promotion over a failed waist measurement. “Meanwhile, the guy who's supposed to fit through chimneys gets a waiver for that part."

Another offered a more measured but nonetheless critical tone.

"Saint Nick says it would be rude not to sample from every home's cookie offering —which by the way is exempt from ethics regulations on receiving gifts — but everyone knows that's just political pandering he uses to cover his gluttony," said the elf, gesturing to the former Tannenbaum Rec center, now called the Nestlé Tastitori…