By Cobra Commander

I am watching all of you suddenly embrace the latest trend, which is a full-face mask which conceals your chin, mouth and nose. I just want all of you who are now adopting this style to know: You are fucking poseurs and you need to acknowledge that you’re just copying me.

This is just like when I dyed my hair white in high school, and then Eminem saw my MySpace and copied me, and then his legions of fans did. Just like I was listening to Sublime way before they were cool. (Did you know Gwen Stefani used to be a backup singer for them? Of course you didn’t, because you’re a fucking poseur.) Just like I liked The Boondock Saints before it became a cult classic.

As public record will show, I have been wearing either partial or complete head cover since at least 1982. The only thing I know harder and with more certainty is my hatred for those awful GI Joes. A cursory Google search will confirm that I have always worn a mask, and was the creator of this style.

Several Mortal…