AL-HOUL CAMP, Syria – ISIS bride Hoda Muthana is fighting to return from Syria the old fashioned American way — by running her own business until she can afford the airfare home.
"I've always had this innate, entrepreneurial drive," said Muthana. "That's why I created my own line of bath bombs and started a business on Etsy."
Hoda's bath bombs had an immediate sales spike after launch. Her top sellers: Inshavanilla, 72 Virgin Bubbles, and Rosy Ménage Fàtwa. Despite the mostly positive reviews, some buyers weren't satisfied.
"These are without a doubt the worst batch of bombs I've ever purchased," said ISIS fighter, Mo Deaver, who planted a dozen 'Fresh Car Blast' bath bombs in the battlefield. "Not a single one went off — not one. Absolute rubbish."
At the National Ground Intelligence Center in Virginia, Army Lt. Col. Brian Curry has been overseeing a team of foreign technology experts as they scramble to understand the new rainbow-colored threats that have been popping up.
"We haven't yet determined the exact composition of the recovered samples, but we did have a recent breakthrough," said Curry. "A lieutenant accidentally spilled some water on one, which triggered a chemical reaction and an offensively fruity odor. The LT has since been quarantined until the long term affects can be assessed."
The decision to work and save money wasn't entirely Hoda's choice but complications surfaced after she discovered that America was less than supportive of her decision to join a foreign terrorist organization committed to destroying the United States.
"I don't think the U.S. is going to hook me up with a free ticket." Hoda shook her head. "But hey, on the bright side I'm becoming more independent. When I fly back to Alabama, it'll be on my own terms. Roll tide!"