ISIS claims responsibility for herpes, First Sergeants, and 2pac

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — ISIS released a series of media statements over the weekend claiming responsibility for Pfc. Jason Nix's shitty haircut, Third Battalion, Fifth Marines' canceled 96-hour liberty pass, and all Marine Corps first sergeants, according to counter-terrorism officials.

Top Marine Corps leaders however, released a statement Monday admitting its approximately 1,300 first sergeants were most likely self-inflicted and had no direct connection to the extremist group.

Defense officials are scrambling to counter the Islamic State media releases, which also claimed responsibility for the prevalence of herpes among Marine Corps infantrymen, Staff Sgt. Michael Dix's refusal to play anything other than 2Pac in the maintenance bay, all future liberty briefs, and the 2014 "Be a Marine Spy" Marine Corps Times cover.

"I think we can all agree the Marine Times article was shit," said a Counterintelligence/Human Intelligence Marine who would only speak on the condition of anonymity. "But even ISIS isn't capable of that level of crap."

Staff Sgt. Dix was not available for comment, but Maintenance NCO Cpl. David Graham said Dix had no known ties to terrorist groups, despite his insistence on "terrorizing Marines with decades old rap music."

Islamic State US media spokesman Abu Jason McIntyre al-Birmingham, in a message posted to Telegram, threatened that the group would take more action against the military in the coming weeks.

"There will be Marine Corps ball fundraiser car washes, the continuance of base salsa nights, and more herpes," said al-Birmingham.

Officials hesitant to overreact to the threat anticipate raising force protection levels and adding an hour to the DoD online Cyber Awareness Challenge before the week's end.