Marine Corps rolls out Portapotty 2030
Bold plan overcomes strategic constipation
PortaPotty 2030: In any clime and place
QUANTICO, VA — Earlier this week, on a windswept landing zone nestled in the Quantico highlands, representatives from the Marine Corps Combat Development Command (MCCDC) unveiled the latest revolution in future warfare: Portapotty 2030. “We’re proud to announce Portapotty 2030 as the newest step in our Service-wide reform effort, which you know as Force Design 2030,” said MCCDC communications strategy officer Major Joshua Benson. “Portapotty 2030, or PP2030 as we call it, will directly support the Marine Corps Warfighting Laboratory’s (MCWL) latest warfighting concept: EASO, or expeditionary advanced shitting operations. This is a fantastic new way to manage the Corps’ crap during worldwide operations in any environment, whether forcible or permissive.”
Benson noted that intensive wargaming and field experimentation over the last year made it clear that legacy portapotties are no longer relevant for modern defecatory and onanitory operations. “Thus,” he said, “our top minds at MCWL, after spending hours—nay, weeks—immersing themselves in innovative portapotty prototypes, finally developed the Portapotty 2030 that you see before you today.”
The speed with which MCWL developed PP2030 is reflective of the aggressive reform schedule launched by Commandant of the Marine Corps General David Berger in 2019. By the time PP2030 prototyping was first publicly announced, older portapotty models had already been divested and sent to a farm in the country where they could play with the Corps’ old M1A1 tanks.
The Marine Corps diaspora is not entirely supportive of PP2030, with members of the retired general officer ranks grumbling about slit trenches and piss tubes being more in line with the Corps expeditionary ethos. One retired officer, writing under a pseudonym, railed against the idea of creating a portapotty that encourages Marines to spend more time committed to a single location. “This will be great if the Chinese deliver a bunch of General Tso’s chicken to some single island in the Spratly chain, but is that what Marines are made to do? They need to be moving out, aggressively squatting in the face of the enemy or responding to some shitstorm that suddenly comes upon us somewhere unexpected, like church or a ballgame. Comfort is a crutch. Do you think I didn’t deal with dysentery in Vietnam? Portapotty 2030 is a brown cloud hanging over the future of the Marine Corps.”
MCWL spokesman Major John “Jack” Offton acknowledged questions had been raised about whether the speed of MCWL’s development process had cut corners in safety and quality assurance, but was quick to reassure reporters. “Portapotty 2030 was rigorously tested both in garrison and in the field. I spent three straight days in the prototype model out at Range 400 in Twentynine Palms. I stayed in it until I’d lost all feeling in both my arms. Portapotty 2030 is, in a word, exquisite.”
Marines field test PP2030 in Udari Range, Kuwait
Despite criticism, the public announcement of Portapotty 2030 immediately caused a scramble both at home and abroad to close the new “shitter gap.” The United States Army’s Futures Command ran a 24-hour hackathon to create their own version, which cost three times the procurement tag of PP2030 and did not actually feature a bowl. The Space Force partnered with AFWERX to do crash prototyping on an advanced vacuum toilet. However, Space Force spokesperson Captain Billy “Back” Splash later announced, “The Service will not pursue this effort. We are instead increasing the production of zero-gravity storage bags, which have a proven track record of preserving the contents for scientific examination on return to Earth. Or being tossed at one another by those apes in the Marine Corps.”
Defense Logistics Agency anticipates major increase in paper use as PP2030 offshoot
America’s global competitors also moved quickly to field their own next-generation honey buckets. The Russian version steals the user’s uniform and weapon to sell for drinking money, shoves a splintered mop handle up their ass, and then beats the shit out of them (Yevgeny Prigozhin promoted a special variant for his mercenary group that includes three dead convicts inside). In China, the Peoples’ Liberation Army rolled out a model meticulously reverse-engineered from Portapotty 2030, to include high-resolution dick art and “Wagner Loves the Cock” graffiti. Separately, North Korea’s Ministry of Defense announced that it had no need for imperialist running dog technology because their Dear Leader does not have a butthole.
As of this writing, Secretary of the Navy Carlos Del Toro testified to Congress that the Department of the Navy would not be funding Portapotty 2030, saying the money would instead be rolled into a special soft 2-ply blend for exclusive use in his office. In response, Major Offton stated MCWL was exploring an interim solution that involved refitting old Army portashitters with a shorter barrel and grip stock.
On an unrelated note, Naval Health Clinics around the world reported an alarming 3,478% increase in epididymal hypertension from Marines at sick calls force wide.
Army sanitation engineers prepare old portashitters for transfer to the Marine Corps
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