THE PENTAGON — After news broke that he would be resigning from his post in February 2019, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis told reporters he was looking forward to spending a "peaceful retirement" firing a GAU-17 Minigun out the door of a UH-1 Huey helicopter.
"Yup, I can't wait to kick back with a relaxing 3 or 4 thousand rounds per minute every morning before PT," said Mattis. "Much better than this boring bullshit here in D.C."
Mattis served a storied career as a Marine general before moving into his role as Secretary of Defense, and sources within the Pentagon said that he still managed to fire a few hundred rounds every day at lunchtime "just to let off some steam."
"Jim would regularly hump an 81mm mortar tube around the halls of the Pentagon because he said the weight helped keep his back aligned," said Chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff Gen. Joseph Dunford.
"And he loved challenging all those little Air Force nerds to ground-fighting matches in the courtyard during his coffee break. They were always scared shitless."
While he was admittedly emotional that he'd be leaving the military world behind after a nearly 50-year career, Mattis says he has plans to start a second career in the agricultural industry.
"Now that I'm retiring, I'll finally have time to get out to the countryside and tend to my flock of A-10 Warthogs," said Mattis. "Such serene and beautiful creatures."
Danger Close contributed reporting.