Netflix Announces All-Female Remake of US Navy
Suddenly "long, hard, and full of seamen" jokes less relevant
Calm your tits, VetBros.
In a groundbreaking move sure to leave both viewers and seamen either clamoring for more or protesting in the streets, Netflix has just dropped the bombshell announcement of an all-female remake of the US Navy. The decision follows the recent trend of gender-swapped reboots, culminating in the astonishing casting of Admiral Lisa Franchetti in the role of the first female Chief of Naval Operations.
The reboot, part of the 249th season of the US Navy, will pick up where the original story left off. No explanation will be given as to why the casting changed so much; showrunners have reportedly decided to allow the audience to suspend disbelief.
Noted television critic Tucker Carlson, a man known for doubling down on masculinity by wearing bow ties and encouraging men to tan their testicles to make them look better, lamented the narrative direction, “So we've got new hairstyles and maternity flight suits — pregnant women are going to fight our wars. It's a mockery of the U.S. military.”
Despite critiques, executives of the streaming giant have gone all out, enlisting A-list actresses to take on the roles of salty servicewomen and captains of carriers. Helen Mirren will bark out orders as Capt. Amy Krasnovic, the no-nonsense commanding officer of the USS Harrison Ford, while Lucy Liu will take the role of the divisive matriarch of China, She Jinpeng. Meanwhile, fan-favorite supporting character President of the United States and former fighter pilot, Flo “Heavy” Biden will continue to delight audiences with monthly appearances in the capable hands of Amy Schumer.
While executives assured viewers the Navy would retain its gritty, suspenseful qualities, the reboot wouldn’t be complete without some classic Naval tales getting a fresh, estrogen-filled twist. For example, the season debut, titled “Scissor Kicks”, will feature a romance subplot that doesn’t end with a Jody back home stealing the young sailor’s girlfriend. Instead, two nominally heterosexual hull technicians decide it’s easier to just be gay than deal with male sailor’s bullshit. In a late-season episode called “Hobson’s Choice,” a woman Petty Officer First Class who has been the honor graduate of every school she’s attended and made the last two ranks meritoriously doesn’t get pregnant and let her considerably less talented Petty Officer Second Class husband take the career lead while she spends the next seven years in quiet desperation before he blessedly leaves her and their three kids for a 19-year old Boatswains Mate fresh out of boot camp.
“Obviously we’re taking some creative license here,” said “U.S. Navy” head writer, Jack Quarterdeck.
A spinoff series about women of the US Marine Corps titled “The Devil Dog Wears Prada” is already in the works starring Kylie Jenner and billed as “Private Benjamin meets Gomer Pyle meets Major Dad”. Showrunner and retired Marine Lt. Gen. Lori Reynolds said, “Hilarity and hijinks ensue when a hot young socialite joins the Marine Corps to avoid jail for DUI and becomes a demanding General’s Aide de Camp.”
