WASHINGTON -- The United States Marine Corps Band was NJPed last night midway through a holiday concert held at the Pentagon, after performing "Baby, It's Cold Outside."
"We started out with 'Sleigh Ride,' played as a fantasia on tuba, and no one was even paying attention," said Lt. Col. Jason Fessler, 28th Director of the Marine Corps Band, "The President's Own." "I thought I'd sass it up a little with a vocalist, so we skipped ahead in the program."
As the band rested, leaving only a jazz ensemble remaining, two vocalists began a rendition of "Baby it's Cold Outside," the 1944 pop hit.
Sometime around the line, "My answer is no," a lone major left the room, whispering to friends that there should have been a trigger warning for the concert.
"A murmur fell over the crowd." said Sgt. Elaine Martin, a vocalist in the band. "Then I said the line, 'say what's in this drink?" and a specialist sitting in the audience stood up and awkwardly stood between the vocalists. He just kept saying 'bystander intervention' again and again."
The concert was immediately stopped by MPs, Fessler was escorted out and the entire band held for questioning.
"Sexual Assault Prevention is the number one priority in our armed services," said Col. Steve Warren, Pentagon spokesman. "Playing that song shows a lack of sensitivity. I, like many of our service members, perceive that the woman is being held against her will in that song. And perception is reality."
The band members will face varying levels of non-judicial punishment based on how active their role was in selecting the date-rape anthem for public performance.
"There's a lot of ambiguity in that song," continued Warren. "Is she a liberated woman who wants to stay, or is that just the roofies talking for her? Bottom line, he's interrupting her, and we don't support mansplaining in today's military."
The Marine Corps Band has announced a slight modification in the program for the remainder of the holiday concert series, which will now be called "The 12 Days of Consent." Following their lead, the Air Force Max Impact is offering a special program called "Santa Asks, Tells and Supports." This follows earlier changes made after an April 20 incident in which the band was reprimanded for performing "No Woman, No Cry" at an open air concert in Red Rocks, Colo.
"I guess I never thought about it before." said Martin. "But yeah ... 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' is pretty rapey."