THE PENTAGON — Responding to increasing pressure from Congress and veterans organizations regarding the potential negative health effects of burn pits, the Pentagon today finally promised concrete action.

“We’re going to upgrade any current or future burn pits and turn them into awesome ball pits,” said Assistant to the Secretary of Defense for Public Affairs Jonathon R. Hoffman.

“While there hasn’t been any conclusive proof that burn pits actually cause health problems,” said Hoffman, “it’s understandable why our men and women would not want to be around them. Have you seen them? Disgusting. Who wouldn’t complain about a the hellscape that is those burn pits?”

Lt. Col. Philip Faust, an assistant for the press secretary, agreed.

“I used to drive by the big one at Baghdad [International Airport] back in the late 2000s,” Faust offered. “What a downer. Looks like it was ripped right out of the pages of Dante’s Inferno. Or the cover of an Iron Maiden album.”

“It’s clear the thing that needs to…