THE PENTAGON — Responding to increasing pressure from Congress and veterans organizations regarding the potential negative health effects of burn pits, the Pentagon today finally promised concrete action.
“We’re going to upgrade any current or future burn pits and turn them into awesome ball pits,” said Assistant to the Secretary of Defense for Public Affairs Jonathon R. Hoffman.
“While there hasn’t been any conclusive proof that burn pits actually cause health problems,” said Hoffman, “it’s understandable why our men and women would not want to be around them. Have you seen them? Disgusting. Who wouldn’t complain about a the hellscape that is those burn pits?”
Lt. Col. Philip Faust, an assistant for the press secretary, agreed.
“I used to drive by the big one at Baghdad [International Airport] back in the late 2000s,” Faust offered. “What a downer. Looks like it was ripped right out of the pages of Dante’s Inferno. Or the cover of an Iron Maiden album.”
“It’s clear the thing that needs to be done is brighten the place up,” continued Faust. “To placate the ‘negative nellies,’ we’re directing the Corps of Engineers to turn these ‘badlands’ into ‘funlands.’”
To that end, the secretaries of the Army and Air Force have requested $3.4 billion in contingency funding for colorfully tactical balls.
“Problem solved,” said Faust. “I kind of hope I get to deploy out to one sometime. They look like a blast.”
Aside from giving service members subjected to nonstop inhalation of burning chemicals and toxins one less thing to complain about, there’s a strategic benefit in making the pit conversions.
“Typically, any place there’s a burn pit, we’re not likely to stay forever,” said Hoffman. “It may take 20 years, but eventually we’ll leave. By leaving behind these wacky ball pits, we’ll be giving host nation like Afghanistan a gift that they can then share with their people.”
‘You’re welcome, Afghanistan.”