Strategist’s drinking policy fails to prevent, shape St. Patty's Day hangover

PENTAGON – Army Maj. Nate Walsh, a graduate of the Army’s prestigious Basic Strategist Arts Program, prevented to shape or prevent his own hangover on Saturday morning, sources confirmed.

Walsh, a loud advocate of the FA59 program at Kelly’s Irish Times late last night, used his training to carefully assess the ends, ways, and means of his St. Patrick's Day activities towards the end state of a long Saturday morning run.

As of noon, however, said run has not occurred.

“Walsh was spouting off all this stuff about matching his green beers for water one for one," said Capt. Chris Malik, who encountered Walsh at the bar. “It was clear guidance, but after the third Guinness he couldn’t turn his strategic end state into operational planning.”

Walsh had also failed to include free shots from a midget wearing a top hat into his strategic assessment of the operating environment.

Sources report that as he moved further into the execution of the night’s drinking plan, the loudness of his comments about his perceived exclusion from shaping major strategy in his assignment at Army 3/5/7 could only be matched by his failure to comply with his “liquor before beer” planning assumption.

As of this morning, Walsh was lying on his couch, drinking Emergen-C mixed into Gatorade and pointing out how the shoddy, un-executable kind of policy guidance civilian politicians give the military makes victory impossible.

Walsh is slated to begin the prestigious School of Advanced Military Studies (SAMS) next year, where he plans to check out the Kansas City craft beer scene, get active in the triathlon club, and graduate first in his class.