HELMAND PROVINCE, AFGHANISTAN — The United Nations has awarded its prestigious Public Service Award to the Taliban Shadow Government of Helmand Province to commemorate their widespread, successful efforts to root out corruption since re-assuming control of the province in 2015.

"Although the United Nations is a cabal of apostates and dogs," a Taliban spokesman said in a statement. "Even infidels may sometimes applaud our application of the principles of Shariah as uncompromising and heroic."

He added that the decapitated heads of former corrupt government officials have been placed on display on pikes around the province to "maintain our momentum in this effort to ensure good governance for all the Afghan people."