By Addison Blu

THE PENTAGON — Due to Russia’s ongoing attacks against Ukraine, the U.S. military has forbidden service members from playing Russian Roulette.

“This is the Department of Defense’s own kind of sanction, a sign of solidarity,” Col. Andrew McDowell told journalists while pouring a bottle of Mr. Boston vodka down a drain. “History will remember how well the United States military supported our ally at the onset of World War III.”

Servicemembers have also been banned from other popular off-duty activities, such as playing Russian characters in Call of Duty and marrying Russian mail-order brides.