WASHINGTON — The Department of Veteran Affairs will now guarantee a loan to help service members leave their spouses, Secretary Robert Wilkie confirmed today. The loan looks to provide financial stability to finally get out of the black hole of despair that is your marriage.

The loan will provide an initial $1,000 for divorce fees, and up to $250,000 to be deposited after a split of the couple's assets. The goal is to help the service member dump cash on the hole left where his/her family used to be.

"Like buying a house or going back to school, divorce is another milestone in a military member's life," Wilkie said. "After you lose the VA loan house, and the kids you had at a VA hospital, the VA Divorce Loan will be there. You can buy a boat or motor home or some shit and pretend everything is actually really great."