WASHINGTON — The United States emerged victorious after a grueling three-week war with foreign superpower Capitol Hill Occupied Protest (CHOP). The victory is especially momentous as it came just weeks before the 75th anniversary of the defeat of Japan in 1945, the military's most recent victory.

The conflict started when a six-block radius of Seattle neighborhood Capitol Hill was taken over by armed extremists who declared it a sovereign state. Local politicians, afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings and confused by property laws, sat in their participation-trophy lined offices and watched helplessly as the crisis unfolded.

The Pentagon responded by sending in the 82nd Airborne Division. However, they missed the LZ, landing in Vancouver, Canada, where they have been stuck since, as no one brought their passports.