WASHINGTON, D.C. — The State Department has brokered a deal with the Taliban to repatriate thousands of pieces of priceless dick graffiti left behind during the withdrawal from Afghanistan.
The agreement, hammered out over months of back-channel negotiations that began during the final weeks of the Trump administration, covers “any drawings, carvings, paintings, or other representations of penises and/or testicles in a flaccid or turgid state created by Armed Forces personnel or civilian contractors,” according to a source familiar with the discussions.
“In our haste to meet President Biden’s timetable to depart Afghanistan, the U.S. was forced to leave behind millions of dollars in assets, from fleets of vehicles to hundreds of thousands of weapons,” Secretary of State Anthony Blinken said at a news conference. “These items can be replaced, but our cultural heritage — namely, the countless renderings of dicks and balls our brave soldiers have scattered all over Afghanistan like Easter eggs — is priceless.”
Blinken was joined by Taliban envoy Abdul al-Aziz al Tayeba, who said the new government was “just happy to get the filth out of our country.”
