THE PENTAGON — The Army is going to prevent hands from entering pockets through the miracle of modern amputation, officials announced today.
"It has taken us 80 years to reach this point, but our lab of sergeant majors — or is it sergeants major? Man, that just sounds weird," said Army spokesman Lt. Col. Ronald Maroon.
"Anyways, our lab of senior NCO experts has concluded our only option is to chop these damn hands off. That'll stop these generation 'Z' nerds from putting their hands in their pockets."
When questioned by the press, Maroon admitted that the Army has unsuccessfully tried several other options.
