Nation that doesn’t care about Russian war crimes also doesn’t care about American war crimes

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Officials from the National Security Council and State Department announced today that the United States of America not only does not care about the nauseating, ever-growing list of documented Russian atrocities in Ukraine, but also does not particularly care about its own repeated violations of the laws and norms governing the use of force.

“Consistency is important,” wrote Mike Waltz in a Signal chat that may not have been intended for Duffel Blog. “If we’re going to treat illegally invading a sovereign country, kidnapping and deporting children, raping entire villages, bombing maternity wards, and leveling cities as something less than wholly unacceptable, then it would be hypocritical to suddenly get squeamish when we start blowing up random boats in a few oceans.”

“We stand firmly against double standards,” added the former national security advisor who somehow wasn’t fired and instead ended up as the United Nations ambassador.

Policy experts said they were perplexed by the development.

“It’s hard for me to believe that a country full of people who gave zero shits about multi-decade, unwinnable wars in Iraq and Afghanistan now suddenly give a proportional number of fucks about anything America — let alone a foreign power — does,” said James Needlethorne, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution.

Vivian Thompson, a senior leader at the Center for Strategic and International Studies, offered a similar view.

“My frail body can barely sustain the utter shock that a country unbothered by kindergarteners being murdered in their classrooms on a recurring basis is also okay with what Russia is doing to Ukraine, or with what its own military is doing in the Western Hemisphere,” Thompson said.

She continued, “Let me be absolutely exhaustive in describing the staggering depth of my astonishment that the people of the United States — who re-elected a man who attempted to overthrow the government, who campaigned on moral outrage over immigrants allegedly stealing and eating pets, who once insisted the U.S. military should target women and children, and who regularly pardons war criminals — are willing to overlook anything their military does day-to-day, as well as whatever our leaders are prepared to let Russia get away with.”

“Where is my fainting couch?” she added.

Regular citizens also offered insight into the new policy. Jayce Miller, a manufacturing worker in western Pennsylvania who votes for free-market politicians but refuses to move to where the jobs are, described himself as “a single drop in the infinite well of American apathy and ignorance.”

“Unless it tastes good or looks cool, I am completely out of fucks to give,” Miller said.

“Even if you wanted me to be outraged about the moral injury of supporting a military that commits war crimes, or the grotesque American legitimization of Russia’s evisceration of the rules-based international order, I am simply incapable of understanding why I should care,” he added, before asking, “Can you move? I’m trying to watch the game.”

At press time, officials confirmed the policy would remain in place until caring became politically useful, at which point they would immediately pretend they had always cared deeply.