NELLIS AIR FORCE BASE — Following news that the Marine Corps has made its own "sky penis" over Southern California just a year after the Navy pulled off a similar feat, the Air Force is reportedly "super jelly" and suffering a "massive case of sky penis envy," Duffel Blog has learned.
According to sources close to the matter, the issue is highly sensitive and being felt all the way at the very tip of Air Force leadership.
"This is all cocked-up," said Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson to top leadership in a meeting Wednesday. "Get your dicks together. This is affecting our recruiting. Air Force is over here pounding our puds while these Naval Aviators are out there like Red Bull air races meets PornHub. Our competition is stiff and we're getting shafted!"
Disappointment at the lack of sky penis exists not just at the tip of the Air Force spear, but is also being felt up and down the length of the service's rank and file, some of whom say they are feeling shafted.
"This is totally unfair," said Maj. Richard "Kinda" Small, a fighter pilot with the Air Force's flight demonstration squadron, the Thunderbirds.
"My F-16 could make a stunning sky penis. That jet is such a prolific unit. The list of things it can do is long and distinguished!"
While some senior civilian Air Force leaders are clearly demanding their own sky penis — which pilots are more than willing to sky-write — the hardest pushback is apparently coming from its own generals.
"Gentlemen, we don't do sky penis," said Brig. Gen. Phil Lacid. "Besides, we are way too busy prematurely ejecting humvees on the army right now."
At press time, it was reported that the Commandant of the Marine Corps and Chief of Naval Operations co-authored a memo to the Air Force regarding successful sky-penis operations, which explained that it's not just about man-power but also aircraft "thrust."
The two intended to hand-deliver the missive but were too busy snickering in a Pentagon E-ring bathroom.
rockorsomething contributed reporting.